Thursday, February 25, 2010

Sent: Tue, February 23, 2010 11:02:11 AM
Subject: Re: pie

Hi darling,

Gosh, I didn't write back to you because I wanted to talk to you instead, but it's been almost a week and a half! And now I feel terrrrible. Anyway - I miss you! Funny how it's felt like forever since I talked to you, but also not really... I guess that's what texting can be good for - letting you feel like you're keeping in touch! I also want to say that I love love love it when we write to each other and getting this email was lovely!

At work today with cheese, crackers and avocado. Mmmm I loooove avocado. Been having a funny couple days where I just don't feel like doing any work. There's tons for me to do, but I'm feeling like a slack-o-saurus. I'm also generally tired from not enough sleep because I've been staying up to watch the Olympics! Have you been following them? I was up to past 1am the last two nights watching ice dancing - SO good. We got gold! Wooo hooo!

So, because it's been so long since you wrote this, I haven't followed up on anything you told me - what happened with the new car Arny wanted? Has stuff been better at home (like with the rent money and stuff)? And I know you met with Vern and gave your phone back... what happened with that? AND you said that you might come down to the city to go to the reference library? And maybe stay for a night? I'm not working late anymore (at least not for interviews) so I'm glad to have you over and we can go out and hang out!

Okay - onto the real meat of this email (or rather, the pie-filling...)

I've been thinking about your pie theory too and about what you wrote... and I have to admit that I've dreamt about us having that life for a long time - you know, like you said - living with your best friend in a GREAT city, trying new recipes, taking neat classes, going out and having fun at funk lounges and stuff - I mean, who doesn't want that kind of life? Ever since we lived together at the Marshall St house we've talked about it and how amazing it would be and I want it too ....

I guess it's just funny timing - with you being there and me being here it's been hard to coordinate. And now that you're ready - mentally ready, and you're finally done with your job - I'm getting antsy. I don't really have a plan, it's all just been daydreaming. But I am daydreaming about doing something different - like you want to do something different and big and make this move to the city, and I want to do something different and big and make the move to another city. I just wished that we synced up! But I'll share what I've been daydreaming about:

Last week sometime, I made a list of the things I could do if I left my job: I could go to French camp again, and I could attend those one-week seminars in the US I used to do, I could take a recruitment contract with WLU for a few months again, save up and then take off across Canada, or to South America, or go through rural China to Tibet to Nepal to Northern India and hike the Himalayas, or ride the Trans-Siberian through Mongolia and Russia and end up in Europe to hike the Camino de Santiago - and you know what I realized? If I left my job, I could do ANYTHING. And it was so empowering. It's like you said, we're 25. And my god, all of the sudden I realized how much potential that holds - this is our prime - we have our youth and our health and (some) wealth and NOTHING tying us down. No dependents, no assets - just friends and family that will be with us wherever we go anyway...

My mind has been reeling lately. And I'll admit that Chris probably incited it with his ditching me to feed his need for adventuring. Maybe that was his purpose in my life. My brain feels like it WOKE UP from a deep slumber and starting thinking and it feels energized and ALIVE and hungry... I went to the library last week looking for inspiration in the travel section and I picked up these books - two of them, stories about young men in their 20s who picked up and left what they knew to discover things they only dreamed about, and their lives changed forever, inspiring people everywhere. This isn't to say that I'm dreaming of changing the world - I'm just dreaming of having the world change me.

Sometimes I feel stifled by the life we have here - I love it, and I'm comfortable and this will always be Home - but sometimes I wonder if maybe I'd fit better somewhere else, and I'll never know until I try it. There's always been those two sides to me - one that wants that swanky life in North America, with the nice loft apartment and sparkly clothes and shiny things and booze at night, but the other side of me wants the opposite in a far away land where none of that material stuff matters. Maybe that's why my mind is going haywire these days - I'm finally at a point in my life where I can figure that dichotomy out, and figure out what I want. Finally.

So that's the thing - I want what you want too, but maybe just later. Or maybe this whole daydream will fall apart and I'll stay. Either way, I think I'm going to try for something. And here's what I got (don't be freaked out): I went on the company's internal site and looked at job postings around the world - a month ago none of them interested me, but now I'm eyeing China. When I was home for Chinese New Year I realized that I ache when I think about my heritage and how much I don't know about it. I'm so proud and intrigued by my ancestry and all the things that my family does - the customs, traditions and food, etc. etc. - and I can't say it any other way than, "I want to be more Asian." I'll probably still be the whitest Chinese girl around, but I just want to learn more. So whereas I wouldn't have thought twice about China before, it became the first link I clicked on.

There's an office in Beijing that has open applications for Tour Leaders/Tour Guides and they want people who are Chinese but speak other languages (English, French, German, etc.) and it sounds PERFECT. I don't know a lot about it, but it sounds like they train you to take tours around China for foreign tourists. I'm going to apply. I still need to do lots of thinking (like Annia said, I'm tired and overworked and I need to pause and take inventory), but I want to apply - and I will. Something might happen, nothing might happen, but I feel like I owe it to myself to at least TRY to do something.... different.

So - that's what's been going on in my head lately. It already sounds like a lot, and there's more beyond it too. And I wanted to share it - and not have it freak you out. Because at the end of the day, I want you to do something different too, whether it be quitting your job or moving cities or whatever - just something different. Of course, I feel guilty that this might affect your thinking of moving negatively, but I can't stress enough how I don't want that to happen. I want that life with you too - but I can't stand the idea that you wouldn't go for it just because I might not be around. Go for it!

Or it's like I said that night you were working on your resume and cover letter in the bathroom - get that job at Port Cares, save up and we'll hit the road and go across Canada together. And THEN maybe I'll go to Beijing. Who knows - our opportunities, I've re-realized, are endless.

Love you muchly,