Saturday, December 31, 2005
Monday, December 26, 2005
Just Checking In*
My roomie is dealing with some boy-induced crap back at home and ran off to another M-town to be with friends, my best bud is in Thailand of all places and apparently my melancholy can be felt over the Internet, across the globe and jump six hours ahead in time:
Shouldn't you be celebrating christmas eve right now?
Well, not really. We don't celebrate the Eve at my house
We have a big family dinner tomorrow, so there's nothing for me to do tonight
I see.... well, merry christmas from me, then
I was just checking whether you're moody or anything - being online on christmas eve is usually not a good sign
So you're fine and I can go to sleep?
(insert heart-turning-into-mush smile here)
I heart my net friends.
*This was an MSN conversation actually held on the night of Christmas Eve (remember when I was feeling super-mopey?) and I was thinking of not posting it, and not to take away from the happy-happy-joy-joy of the season and all, but there's not point in hiding anything now.
Oh Yeah. Merry Christmas.
Last night we had our annual family gathering meets holiday dinner and it was a ton of fun. I know I sounded super crabby before, but I do lurve my family, especially when we're all together and having a good time. Christmas doesn't really excite me much anymore, other than the fact that it means my whole family is crammed into my parents' house for an evening doing nothing but eating, drinking and being merry. The only time I really enjoy loud noise is when it's caused by all of us laughing and yelling and the general din in the house makes my heart smile. There were 13 people in the house last night, 50+ presents (of which I wrapped 30+!), 9 different dishes to eat, 8 bottles of wine, 4 cameras, 3 cakes for dessert, 2 Santa hats, one video camera and one bunny.
The Christmas tree that we've had for 10+ years, and it's still going strong (note the tacky glowing ornamental light fixture thingy from the 80's at the top):
The Christmas tree with all the presents underneath (from three different angles)! That's about three families' worth of gifts, but I have to admit, it's so consumerist it's slightly grotesque. Yay Christmas!
PRESENTS! Again, from three different angles:
Remember how I said I'd have no one, that I come alone, that I'm alonelonelone? Not anymore! BUNNY!!!
I love this bunny. It belongs to my cousins and is named Iced Capp. The good thing about a gross amount of presents is that their car was so filled at the end of the night that they didn't really have room in the car for the cage, so the bunny's now with me for a few days. BUNNY!!!
And finally, another one of the yes-it's-completely-necessary Me n' Ornament shots:
Saturday, December 24, 2005
I'm not feeling particularly Christmassy this year.
Truth: I've been feeling kind of down in the dumps since I've been home. Sure, things are fine and well over here; I'm getting fairly pampered and am generally well taken care of, but something about this place just makes me uneasy and listless. It's unfair to M-town, but I'm remembering the more yucky things I associate with this place than the good so coming back here is never highly anticipated.
Living with the parental and sibling units again is proving to be almost as tiring as I remember it. There's too much clashing and loud noise in this house. There are constantly things that need to be done and 4 different schedules and 2 cars to fit them into. Add to that the fact that I'm not used to other people trying to schedule my day for me and although I can understand their good intentions, it can get to be a bit much. Yes I like massages, No I do not like waiting in the parking lot for 45 minutes for my parents to pick me up. My place in the Loo is quiet and calm, except for when the roomie and I get silly and yell things to each other down the hall. I can do what I want over there. Here, I found myself frustrated to tears yesterday morning due to a silly miscommunication and I couldn't believe it. Maybe it's just PMS. Damn womanhood.
Truth: This is my first Christmas without a boyfriend in three years. Okay, so that sounds kind of juvenile and dumb, but all I'm really saying is that I'm used to doing holiday couple things like cuddling up with someone to watch Christmas movies and getting super excited about getting/making their gift and wondering what they got/made me. I liked getting dressed up to go to holiday thingies together and going present shopping together. I liked giving gifts to their parents and siblings. For three years, there's been someone to kiss at midnight on New Year's. I got used to and liked, no no, I loved all of that.
But alas. Not this year.
All I can think about right now is that episode of Friends, when Chandler scares off the guy Rachel is seeing and she says something along the lines of, "Now I'm alone and being alone sucks." I can't remember what the other twenty-odd minutes are about, but that line makes me laugh a bit every time I hear it in my head. It's true though, being alone does kind of suck, especially at this time of year. If you pay attention, you'll see that nearly everything that has to do with the holidays is about love and some significant other and "all I want for Christmas is you"s. You know what Mariah? Thanks but no thanks, I've had enough.
Even winter is all about keeping warm. I, however, will skip on the shared mitts and big coats that can fit two people and cuddling by the fire or the TV or cuddling in general. I've got my knee socks and my mum's old sweater and an Ibex blanket and a mug of My Very Own Candycane Hot Chocolate with extra candycanes thankyouverymuch.
(And this is where I soften like butter that's been sitting out on the kitchen counter for too long.)
For Christmas, I'd like to be able to say that my boyfriend is going to be in Antarctica. But no, although he is going to be down there, he's someone else's boyfriend now and that sounds much too pathetic for me to actually wish out loud. That does sound too pathetic, right? Yeah, it does. Scratch that.
Oh who am I kidding, I have no Christmas wish. It won't come true anyway.
Chocolate isn't even helping. There's this sitting in the fridge right now:
...and no, it does nothing for me. It's a chocolate cake covered in chocolate icing covered in pecans, M&Ms and marshmallows for crying out loud. Nope. Nothing. My brother and his girlfriend made it. Sigh. How lovely and domestic and in love of them to do so. For our big family dinner tomorrow, there's going to be 13 people here for it. I am, literally, the odd one out. There's two husband-wife couples, three boy-girlfriend couples, and my cousins come as a pair simply because they're brothers. I, come alone.
Okay, so this is where I try to stop myself from becoming more of a bitter, old maid than I already am. For Christmas, instead of sending me well wishes and all that, just send me a good, hard, old fashioned slap in the face. Now there's something that'll do me some good.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Day With The G's
All decked out at 1:30 in the afternoon.
Yesterday was surprisingly eventful. Greg and I have been exchanging emails for a while now, since he decided that it would be nice if we were friends again (I concur). Backstory: Greg is the dashing young man I was dating when I started this blog over three years ago. I referred to him in the second post I ever wrote: I hated holding hands until I met Greg. We've since gone our own ways, not talked in almost two years and last New Year's Eve, he got in touch.
I like hearing from him nowadays. His emails are the epitome of short and sweet:
Most of the time there will be a PS at the bottom with the real purpose of the email. Earlier this week the PS was to schedule some more catch up time since we've seen each other twice in the last 2.5 years (the last time being this past June). So we hung out at Starbucks for 4 hours and just talked. Most of the conversation was that wonderful casual-haha banter peppered with some academia here and there, but then I managed to squeeze in the abridged version of the depressing story of how J and I split (oh come on, are you surprised that I brought it up?). Listening to stories about J (good or bad) was no doubt hard for Greg - J was the guy I left him for.
Amazing guy isn't he? Not only does he still want to be my friend after all the shite I put him through, he actually waited with me for an extra hour for my ride to show up, nearly missing dinner with his father. Holy freaking goodness, I'm lucky.
Speaking of rides, guys whose names start with G and luck, Gary showed up with just 40 minutes to get us to downtown Toronto for our date with the National Ballet of Canada. After a ten minute hold-up in traffic, not only did he manage to speed us down to the theater, he also parked the car while I grabbed our tickets and we actually made it to our seats right before the show started. I know this time business means little to you folks, so let me put it in perspective:
We had orginally planned to have two hours to drive downtown from the Starbucks. Two hours. We ended up with 40 minutes. Subtract 10 minutes due to crap-ass traffic, and we're now left with half an hour. This half hour includes not only driving time, but also parking time, ticket picking up time and seat finding time. We get to the theater with 5 minutes before show time. As I'm in line at the box office, the lights are blinking and that please-return-to-your-seats bell is dinging. Not good. By the time I get my ticket and am waiting for Gary to return from the parking garage, the lady usher at the front door is yelling, "LAST CALL FOR SEATING! PLEASE GET TO YOUR SEATS!! THE SHOW WILL START IN ONE MINUTE!!!" Can we say unnerving much? In that one minute, Gary
And then, it began.
Oh, The Nutcracker, how I love thee. It's been three years and our relationship is stronger than ever. I can't believe I almost didn't come to see you this year and I'm sorry for even thinking about it. You excite me, give me shivers, I get goosebumps. I marvel at your beauty your strength your grace the way you move the way you move me the way I nod and sway to your music the way my body responds by closing my eyes and clapping my hands without even thinking about doing it. My sharp intakes of breath how I hold it in and I'm sure I stop breathing numerous times throughout my deep, peaceful, satiated sighs. God, you're beautiful. I wish I could capture you the way you capture me and share it with the world but for now you're in my mind my memory and in these words that don't do you justice at all. Stunning, fantastic, amazing, lavish, spectacular, unbelievable, absolutely awe-inspiring a privilege and you're worth every penny every minute every everything that it takes to be with you. You leave me breathless.
If only I could find a man to make me feel the way the ballet does.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Since I've been home, I've been spending my time watching holiday movies, eating, taking pictures of myself in ornaments, getting pampered (got a facial today and am heading to another spa tomorrow), AND I've eaten a total of about 3/4 of a tub of ice cream...
in two sittings.
At least I managed to squeeze in some variety: Turtles, Vanilla AND Orange Creamsicle. During those two let's-make-me-fat sessions, I was eating said ice cream straight out of the tub, while sitting in front of the television. Session One: 6.5 hours of TV and Session Two: 4.5 hours.
I know. You can just go ahead and shoot me now.
Or not. Okay, the way I see it, this is all just making up for the lack of ice cream eating and the lack of television watching that I do when I'm at school in the Loo. I don't buy snackie foods, junk foods, carbonated drinks or even juice. I drink water and cook my meals (unless it's stress time and I eat fast food). I've made TWO whole gingerbread houses and TWELVE gingerbread people and I didn't eat a one of them. I don't watch TV to the point where I see reason to opt out of paying the cable bill. My eyes get ruined enough by the computer screen anyway. See, I'm a good girl! Now that I'm home I can misbehave.
But not all the time. When I'm not being slovenly in front of the moving pictures box, I'm being active. By going shopping. I've been to a mall (or two) three out of the four days that I've been home and I've spent so much that I don't dare check my balance, lest I burst into tears upon seeing the three digit total. At least they're all presents that will make other people happy. My parents have also put me to work as the wrapping girl. I've boxed and/or wrapped 12 gifts so far and you can bet your bum that there's at least 12 more to come. The floor of my room is littered with presents, tubes of wrapping paper, rolls of tape, boxes, scissors, tissue paper...you name it. Whee.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Ho Ho Ho Hum
I heart work because I got this Christmas card in the mail from one of the organizations we work with (my first ever corporate Christmas card - and it was addressed to ME! with a handwritten message too!), and a beautiful necklace from the ladies that I proudly wear everyday. I took that picture at night in my room without the flash and I can't even tell on this screen whether or not it's fuzzy or grainy, but I suspect it is. Whoops.
My last week on campus was spent much like this:
4 days in a computer lab on campus staring at a screen for about/at least 12 hours at a time. Lunches and dinners usually consisted of fries, pizza, burgers and cranberry juice. My eyebrows went untweezed, my nails went unclipped, my hair went unwashed and I went unshowered for much too long. My eyes hated me. I re-discovered that writing essays, papers or academic anything (despite how much I enjoy or am fascinated by the topic), is much like being constipated or trying to pass a kidney stone. It's not easy.
After exams were done (and I was lucky, with only two to write and thus being EXAM FREE at exactly 11:50am on the 13th!) I spent that very night shopping for ingredients and then making something that looked a little like this once it was all wrapped up (it was a surprise for the ladies at work):
I won't show you what it is yet since this computer is craptacular and I can't see the quality of my own photos, but I do really want to post them eventually because, hey, I'm a show-off.
Wednesday was fantastic becaue I was super productive at work despite not meeting my goal for the end of the day (gar, short by just 3 confirmations!!), then to the bank, and then to a Fringe meeting to meet my new cast for the festival this year! I'm super excited about being casted, on stage again and I absolutely LURVE my character. She's sarcastic, intelligent, crude, biting, grungy and she swears. A lot. How's that for superawesome?? Then off to buy tickets for Metric (yes, they're coming to town and I nearly wet myself when I found out), a nice walk to the bulk food store, home to cook a yummy and nutritious dinner (sweet chili chicken, veggies and rice), and then I sat on the couch by our beautiful Christmas tree and read my script with jazz playing softly in the background. I know, add 'pick up the dry cleaning' into that list and I'm totally a middle-aged woman.
Wanna see what I did with my purchases at the bulk food store? Yes you do!
So, I'm either a middle-aged woman, or just a supercool 21 year old gal who makes gingerbread people and leaves a bowlful of holiday gummies for her roomies. I've named them The Fam. Sheila is the pretty one in the top left corner with her boobs showing (notice the nipple detail!) in the M&M skirt, and her friend is the not-so-attractive one in the middle with the sprinkle dress and her boobs and nipples showing as well. There's Pierre at bottom center, the cool French dude with the beret and his weird, bloodshot-eyed, Halloween-flower-wearing friend Jacques, also in a beret. There's one who reminds me of the 7Up logo-character, No Face Guy up top who coincidentally also has no real personality, and the others. One of them has a sprinkle fro. I lurve them. Then I fed them to my friends.
I'm at home now in M-town and since I've been back, I've eaten more junk food than I have all month (no, I didn't have a SINGLE ONE of those gingerbread cookies! Aren't you proud?), wished repeatedly that I brought home more mini candycanes, went Christmas shopping for 8 hours and spent about $200 (that's quite a bit on a student budget I think) and I'm only halfway through my list!
I'm currently spending my time worrying about the loose ends I didn't tie up before leaving town: there's chicken in the fridge that needs to be put in the freezer, Distance Ed CDs and DVDs that need to be returned unless I want to be charged $55, work stuff, and a ski jacket that needs picking up because though I haven't been skiing since I was 13, we're apparently going skiing this year. Go figure. I've spent the last little while making phone calls, leaving and sending messages and generally being anxious about all of it. I've got a full two weeks ahead of me here (two sessions at two different spas, shopping, seeing friends, a holiday parade, The Nutcracker, family time, CHRISTMAS, shopping, skiing, breathing, more friends and family time, dinners, film making, relaxing and the drive back to school), so I'd better get rested up for all of it.
Sunday, December 11, 2005
Sadness Into Longing
Last night I couldn't sleep until past 4am. Reminiscence kept me awake. My mind was full of images from last year - my body tensed, my heart ached, my eyes welled up with tears, my breathing changed.
One year ago at 4am this morning, we were on the phone. We would be for at least another two hours. It was the first time you had spoken to me in ten days - the longest and worst ten days that I pray I will never experience again. At 6am, I ran over to your house down the street and met you at your door. I remember the warmth of your skin, the crispness of your shirt, the way I held you so tightly to make sure you were still there. One year ago on this day, to this very hour, we awoke naked and in each others arms. You said that if you wanted a sad and longing memory, it was to be that. Now, I long for a life that I haven't lived in a while.
One year and seventeen days ago, I stood beside your hospital bed, held your hand and told you that everything was going to be alright. One year and seventeen days later and I still don't know what to say about your attempt. One year and seventeen days later and I still don't know what to say about my cheating or lying or how I still hurt and cry and ache over everything.
It's been a long, long year. I can't tell you how badly I didn't want things to end the way they did. I can't tell you how badly I didn't want things to end at all. But you're happy now. With her. Funny, because she was the exact object of my monstrous jealousy, something new and scary even to me. And it's not that I don't want you to be happy because I do, and you are. I think a lot about that time I saw you at the bus terminal a few weekends ago. As our buses drove off in opposite directions away from the city that we share, I thought about how that little moment was such a microcosm for our lives: you with her returning to someplace familiar, and I alone revisting a place that we had once been through.
One year and seventeen days later, we pretend like the other person doesn't exist. It's been a lot longer than ten days since we last spoke. One year and seventeen days later and I'm not worried about you not loving or even liking me. I'm just worried that I won't stop loving you.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Souvenirs From Better Times
I should be doing reading right now for a paper I want done by tomorrow, but I was doing a bit of procrastinating and started reading over some old emails. I came across a bunch that were sent over the summer of 2002; before, after, and while I was at a conference in Atlanta (yeah, I'm big on week-long-slightly-educational-conferences-held-in-the-US). Reading through all of them really made my heart smile for they reminded me of a time when things were simple and joyful - when summers were filled with fun and friends. Then again, that sounds an awful lot like this past summer, but things are just that much rosier when they're remembered from way back when. I've posted one of my favourites here. It includes 11 three word sentences, 6 faces made with = ; and ), lots of exclamation marks, one "I miss you", one "I'm missing you over here", one "Please come back" and one greeting in Latin.
Date: Sun, 7 Jul 2002
I'm SO glad to hear from you. Sounds like you're having a barrelful of fun. Its 1:00 am right now, I don't wanna sleep again =( I'm sorry I didn't call before you left... but I don't remember what I was doing. I hate sleep. But I should. My summer's started. ;) I've been playing loads of warcraft all week. Say "hi" to Megan. Even if I will never do that for you =) I'm so glad you're enjoying yourself. When do you come back again? I'm missing you over here. MIB wasn't all that great. I'm going to Weezer next Sunday. I'm going to Weezer!!!! Weezer is going to be my first concert!!! wooo. I think I'm getting my G1 sometime this week too. I'm still being convinced that I need a job. I do kinda startin' to need money. I'm so bored. I hate sleep. Please come back. My mom's sick. She's getting her gastrosectomy or somethin' this week for her colon or something. Or would that then be colonsect.. nevermind. I'm never going to get around to mailing something to England, I don't know what to say. Golly heck can't ramble like this to her ;) I miss you. I quit guitar lessons, today was my last one. Still haven't seen powerpuff girls yet. I'm a wreck. Took a big nap today. Sleep sucks. Are you learning anything over there? Don't, just have fun =) Are you seeing everyone you want to? I should sleep. I need to get out of the house. Argh. Okay! =) Have fun. I stop now.
You know how certain people can just make you feel...happy?
Yeah. Like that.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Is it sad that my break from studying is going to work? No - because right now, I like work far, far better than I like studying. I'm actually BORED of stats. It's not super hard or anything, the readings are just dull as all heck. Good thing I actually enjoy solving the problems. Yes, I like doing regression analysis and chi square tests. ESPECIALLY chi square tests. Standard deviations, correlations and y hats - oh my!
Social statistics turns me on. (<--- proof that studying has really gotten to my head)
However, because exams = studying at all hours of the day and going to work in between study sessions = staring at a computer screen for hours on end, exams + work = augh! my eyes are bleeding!!
Saturday, December 03, 2005
Welcome To Stiff Peaks Resort And Brothel
I'm getting a cavity just looking at it.