Little Fish

The last two weeks have been very trying and mind racking. I've been busy figuring what to do with myself next year and it's proven to be no easy task. Struggling to find my academic identity on campus has been hard enough (I didn't even know I wanted one until this year) and now I'm in the middle of filling out an application to be a Residence Life Don next year. Yes, it's been busy.

One of the things that's been on my mind moreso than anything else has been whether or not to run for the Board of Directors of our Students' Union. I've never really been interested in politics, and after seeing what high school politics were like, I wasn't exactly jumping at the chance to run a campaign again. To my surprise, a few students approached me about running for a Director position and honestly, if they hadn't asked me, I wouldn't have seriously considered it. Alas, it's been two weeks since the thought first crossed my mind and I believe my final decision is that I'm not going to run after all.

It's so easy to type it down, but the process that I've gone through to actually be able to say no has been very difficult. My indecision and muddled thought processes have been at their worst and I've said yes and no to running at least 7 times in the last 24 hours. It hasn't been a good two weeks. It would be wonderful if I were on BoD representing the students, especially those who want to see me up there. I could start to make my mark at this place...what's holding me back then? I've given a million and one answers as to why I'm not going to run and people have been very supportive. But why does this hurt so much? I'm surprised at how much this decision has upset me. This is the first time that I've backed away from doing something big, and I'm no doubt disappointed with myself. I can't understand why I don't want to take on this challenge, despite all the seemingly 'good' reasons I've given for not doing it. I don't like politics and don't want to get involved...I can't handle the idea of selling myself to the student body...being a Don is a big enough committment...I don't run good campaigns...why do these feel like cop-out answers?

Back in high school I always felt so confident about being there and knowing all there was to know about the place. It was a little pond. I was a big fish. But here at Laurier, even though it's one of the smaller schools around, there's too much to know about, and I can't possibly do it all, and maybe what's even scarier is that maybe I don't want to do it all. Coming to grips with my limits as a person and student has not been fun. I've always been able to juggle a million and one activities, what has changed so that I can't anymore? How can others be so involved in extra-curricular activities and maintain high grades while I'm struggling so much? What's worse is that in addition to letting myself down, I feel like I'm letting down those who wanted me to run in the first place. Why am I not the go-getter I was? Why aren't I as inspired as the others? My confidence has taken a pounding.

I'm not even running in the election and already I feel so defeated.

7:32 pm