Hey Pretty

There's a photo of my parents and I standing in front of our house that was taken the night of my brother's Grade 8 Graduation nearly 5 years ago. Over the holiday break just a month ago, I remember flipping through albums and upon seeing that picture, thinking dejectedly to myself, "Man, I was hot." I had cute flippy hair, clear skin, breasts, and I was so thin that I wore this tiny tank top that showed my entire tummy. Those were the days. Those days are long gone. The hair is grown out and boring, the skin sometimes acts up, I'm convinced that my breasts are different sizes and I am definitely not thin.

This is not self-deprecation for the sake of fishing for compliments (that's the last thing I want), this is an honest assessment of my current state of being. I am the complete opposite of the stereotypical "pretty"/"hot" image. If you want a tall, thin, leggy, blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl who's going to make you smile your goofy smile and pine away, I'm sorry, but you'll have to look elsewhere. Heck, I'm not sorry, you'll just have to look elsewhere.

In no way am I ashamed of the way I look, I'm just sick and tired of the media telling us that the "romantic" way of falling in love is by seeing the other person. I've come to loathe the term "love at first sight"; can't it be "love at first date" or "love at first coversation"? Why this pre-occupation with the way that people look? Example: Big Fish. Loved the movie. Adored it, would buy it. But the one and only thing that I didn't like, really didn't like about it was the fact that Edward Bloom fell in love with his future wife just by seeing her across the ring at the circus. "Hell, you don't know that girl Ed! She could be a crazy, serial killer for all you know! Why in the world did you swear that you were going to marry her, just after seeing her once?!"

Because she was pretty, obviously. Excuse me while I throw up my curly fries.

Yes, people who look good are nice to look at, I won't deny that. I just want the world to stop telling us that they are the only ones worth looking at. I want the world to stop placing such an emphasis on the body. Who are you to tell me that I should be thinner? Dieting? Forget it. I am not going to dye my hair, buy contacts or alter my genes to make me who you want me to be. If you don't think I'm pretty, then so be it. I want to stop thinking knowing that the world is this superficial.

You can call me a flaming feminist, plain ol' petty or just jealous, but I think (after way too long) that I've finally come to realize that I cannot count on the world, or even those people close to me, to make me feel beautiful. I have to do that for myself first. Because if I can't convince me, then who can I convince? I'm just having a terrible time trying to figure out whether or not I have myself convinced.

I am so glad that my first Vagina Monologues rehearsal is tonight. A group of women getting up in front of everyone and saying out loud that they are not ashamed or emabrrassed is just what I need.

< / r a n t >

6:45 pm