Pathetic Fallacy

It's been raining here the past few days and it seems to have put a damper on my mood. Well, combine non-stop rehearsals for Vagina Monologues, an economics test worth 28%, and putting together a presentation/workshop for this weekend, and you have a pretty tired Shirley. And throughout it all, I couldn't keep my mind off the letter. This wasn't just any letter, it was the letter that would determine a large portion of my life here on campus next year. To Don or not to Don.

I walked over in the pouring rain without an umbrella, got the letter and was too nervous to open it. I walked all the way back to the front door of my residence and stood there. In the rain, without an umbrella, clutching the letter. The envelope was thoroughly soaked and so was I. I rip it open, fumble, and it falls to the ground. Whoops. That can't be a good thing.

And it wasn't.

So it seems that although the selection committee was very impressed by my application and interview, it is with regeret that they are unable to offer me a position as a Residence Life Don at this time. They do, however, ask that I please consider re-applying for the 2005-2006 academic year and encuorage me to take this opportunity to participate in other areas of Laurier Campus Life. And finally, they thank me. For my interest, for my time and effort. Best of luck.

My tears found companionship with the rain drops as they ran down my face. I stood in the shower for a long time just wondering, what does the world want from me? What is rejection supposed to teach? My confidence and self esteem have taken another beating. I have ceased to understand. Why did everyone say that I was a shoo-in? Why did I seem to be a 'for sure', a guaranteed? What is it about me that makes people think I can do anything, when really, I can't?

Well. I have a test today, a workshop to prepare, and my mother to call. None of which I am ready for. Speaking of not being ready, I have to look for a house now? Find people to live with? I am the only person on my floor that is house-less right now. I wonder if that Don-reject house pact still holds. I really have no time to mull over this right now, so disappointment aside, I have to remember what I wrote here five days ago:

I've subscribed to a new sort of fatalism recently, and though I don't necessarily believe that everything is predetermined, I do seem to increasingly believe that there are reasons for the way that things turn out. I've always said that all you can do is your best, and then just keep your fingers crossed after that. The hardest part is accepting the fact that if the outcome is not what you wanted, there still is a reason for it.

10:03 am