All I Have To Say Is Please and Sorry

I bought a new journal last Friday and in the 6 days since, I've managed to fill up a quarter of it with my sad, depressive, melancholy thoughts. The same has been happening with my blog. Though there have been many, many happy posts in the past (heck, just 2 weeks ago), we have to remember that they were from happy times. What I've been writing about recently has been different becase I am different, and so very regretfully, my life is no longer that happy.

It is largely my fault, I know this much. I made mistakes, did things that were inexcusable and plain wrong. I hurt people. A lot. And I hate myself for it. I wish more than anything that there was something I could do to fix this, to make things better, to make things like they were or just to speed up the process of healing. I want to help in any way possible, but I know that there is little to nothing that I can do. So what's happening to me now I know I deserve, I brought it upon myself and like one commenter said, it's karma. But I don't need anyone else to tell me that. I know that.

I also know that by posting things here I am putting myself way out in the open, exposing myself to the (sometimes very mean) public and risking a lot. I knew all that 2 years ago when I first started writing here, but it hasn't stopped me. This is my way of confirming my petty existence in the world, my way of sharing and reaching out. To the new commenters, thanks for visiting, but all I ask that you please stop being mean. To me, to others that place their thoughts here. You don't know them, you don't know me. Though you may have an idea of the circumstances that surround my life right now, you have no idea what I'm feeling or how this pain and remorse is killing me. You just don't.

Regret and remorse fills me and makes it hard to breathe, eat or sleep. It's even seeped into my dreams and I can't escape it no matter what I do. Living has become very difficult. I wish I could have been a better person and I am so sorry that I wasn't. I am sorry for being naive, so selfish, for making stupid choices and being malleable enough to not make my own decisions. I'm sorry for hiding and lying. I am sorry for ignoring that little voice inside me, because I now know that she was right. To the rest of me back then, I wish that I could go back and give her a really good smack on the face. You ruined something really great you know. I'm sorry for all this pain.

All I can say right now, is that I'm sorry. So sorry. I've never been more sorry in my entire life. I am trying with every inch of my being to do the right things and be a better person. I really am. I wish that someday soon I'll be able to fill this space with wonderful photos and stories again, but for now I just want all you internet people to know that I am not well. Not at all.

My soul feels empty.

10:33 am