Don't Be Sorry, Be Better

2004 has been a tough year for me. It started off with school related stresses, which turned into personal problems, which dissolved with a nice month-long vacation in the middle of summer, which then turned into a hellish autumn and then the year came to a close like...I thought the world was going to end. It seemed that a lot of people close to me were going through a crappy time this season as well, and in addition to dealing with break ups of my own, I had a handful of other friends working through their own relationship troubles and personal issues. Mad season it was.

Overall, I know that I learned a lot in 2004. There were a lot of fresh things, new experiences, pros and cons - well, mostly cons. I am not pleased with the way that 2004 turned out, because it was supposed to be great and though there were some really great times, for a lot of it, I was kind of sad. I thought it was supposed to be the year that I finally grew up, became an adult and started to "live" my life (seeing that I turned 20 and all), but in retrospect, I acted more like a child than ever.

I made terrible decisions which hurt people, the worst of it being that my intentions seemed pure, which is why when everything blew up, I felt a gazillion times worse. I felt pain and sadness like never before. Basically, I made bad choices and then suffered the repercussions. But to my pleasant surprise, from the sorrow grew understanding, acceptance, and a quiet faith.

I reconnected with old friends because they heard themselves in me, because they wanted to help, to support, to hug and to listen. I learned to give faith a fighting chance and to hold out for hope. I learned about devotion at the same time that I learned to let go. I prayed, not because I fear God, not because I think He can make everything better, but because late at night, it's just nice to have someone to talk to before bed.

A different me was emerging, new and improved, shinier.

So here I am, trying to figure myself out and re-evaluate things. I've been writing a lot, and I've realized a lot of truths about myself. I am still learning about faith and forgiveness, am still learning how to do things for myself when others haven't, learning how to accept who I am, how to recognize what needs to be changed and then actually changing things, learning to tell the difference between what I can and can't do, what I want to and don't want to do. I'm drawing lines, asking questions, seeking answers, listening to myself. I'm learning how to love myself.

All these things, bad and good, will stay with me whether or not 2004 ends. And the one thing I'm clinging onto is that at the very, very least, I have the desire to become a better person.

So while I never wanted to mess things up nor did I intend for 2004 to turn out this way, it did, and it was really crappy at many times. But, to tell you the truth, I am not sorry for it. I want next year to be better, but I am not sorry. I am stronger for having gotten through everything and I do like myself a bit more. Where I am right now is a heck of a lot better than where I was a month ago, so I think things are looking up. And seeing as the lessons that I learned from my numerous mistakes this year are finally clicking, I think 2005 might actually be good. Fingers crossed.

Here's to new beginnings. Cheers.

5:02 pm