Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself


Autumn, season of change.

I'm doing things to make myself sick.

Talking to people I shouldn't be talking to, looking for people I shouldn't be looking for, running into people I shouldn't be running into. Thinking about things I have no time for. Doing things that only make me feel worse. Wanting things that everyone tells me I shouldn't want. Not eating. Not eating properly. And when I finally do get food in me, it makes me feel ill. Not sleeping, some sleeping, getting sleeping pills to solve the problem, but then not using them. Instead, why not just not sleep for a number of days (or sleep really badly for a number more) and eventually collapse from sheer exhaustion? It works.

The good thing is, I'm losing inches 'round my tummy like never before, and I barely have to work for it. The bad things are, I'm breaking out and this can't possibly be healthy for me. The lack of nutritious food and rest, plus obscene amounts of stress from my increasingly fucked up life equals one malnutritioned, cold, stressed out, shivery me who's bound to get herself really sick one of these days and fail her exams in the meantime. At least then I'll end up some place where other people can take care of me and I'll do nothing all day except read and think and write and figure out my increasingly fucked up life.

I'm not a big fan of change. I'm not. At least, not the kind I don't have control over. That's the worst kind of change and I think I've realized that I hate it. I'm the kind of gal that likes to know what's going on, have some sort of influence in important matters and all that. I'd like to think that my life is a fairly important matter and seeing as everything is getting way out of whack and I can't do a damned thing about it, it scares me.

The waterworks are starting to die down, probably because I'm as dry as a desert inside and since I don't like Gatorade, I'm not hydrated enough to keep those tears flowing. Despite the Sadness, self-loathing, guilt, blame, loneliness and Loss that are still present in me (you know, those feelings that make your head woozy, your heart hurt, your chest tight and your stomach upset), I am slowly feeling a bit better...except for those terrible moments when something catches me off guard and I lose focus and fall into a pit of melancholy for the rest of the day. Those days just suck. There have been a lot of them and I have a feeling there will be many more to come.

* By the by, I'm not doing too well with making sure my e-mail is back up and running, so if you've sent me something and I don't reply for a while, you might want to send it again. Sorries.

8:53 pm