This Is Going To Be Rough

Remember this post from back in November? I could post that here all over again and mean every word. This post is going to be brutally honest, somewhat bitter and it's going to break my heart. Not that that hasn't happened already.

I owe you an explanation.

I've been feeling shitty lately because Jason and I have broken up again (yes, again). Now you could go on and roll your eyes or shake your head and tell us to grow the hell up because that is what most people have been doing. Again? Didn't you break up in December? Or was that October? What...I didn't even know you had gotten back together. Yeah, we're just full of surprises. Did you know that at one point we were actually engaged? Haha, you're joking right? No...no, I'm really not. And I wasn't when I said Yes either. I still wear his necklace and ring around my neck and I'd feel really naked without it but I have this feeling I should probably be taking it off soon. Becuase, you know, this is the real thing. We're not together anymore. I mean it.

Well, he means it.

Once again, if I had things my way, this wouldn't have happened. I would still be trucking along trying to work things out and make everything good again. Outsiders were screaming at me, It's too broken to fix! You deserve better, you're too unhappy. He needs to want it too. Of course, I didn't listen to them. I mean, what did they know...I love this boy. I want to do this, it will work, just you watch. And now they get the last laugh.

We tried to be friends, we really did. We talked, we called, we took walks and had a couple meals together. I don't know if there was a single moment when we were both content at the same time. Hell, I was only his friend because I wasn't allowed to be his girlfriend anymore, of course I wasn't happy. But if the friendship was all I could have, then I would take it in any size and colour available. We still fought and got into arguments, yelled and cried over the phone most nights...it was a rough friendship. But sometimes we'd say nice things like I Love You and I Miss You. I Need You I Want You I Choose You. Choo-choo-choose you.

I'm crying as I write this. I still feel all those things yet I'm not sure if I should. I don't know if they're reciprocated or not.

Stay away from him Shirley, you need your space. You deserve to be happy, and this isn't making you happy.

But he did make me happy for a really, really long time. And I thought I made him happy too. It was the happiest we've ever been...we both say that. But now I only make him upset and he has to go out with other people (mainly girls - ouch) and sing at karaoke bars to be happy. When did I become a source of misery instead?

I'm no longer the girl he fell in love with. I'm not even the girl he wants to call or message online. I'm trying hard not to fall into the self-loathing, I'm-not-worthy-or-even-remotely-deserving-of-him trap because I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt and it's not something I want to relive. Part of me wants to ask Why doesn't he care? Why can he have so much damn fun? But then I remind myself that it hurts too much for me to call him, that sometimes I manage to laugh too, and that maybe he's asking the same questions.

When I don't see him, I think of him constantly. I turn my head at every flash of bright blue, khaki, adidas stripes. I watch for bald heads, laptops, black shoulder bags. Seeing a plug for internet connection makes me melancholy (he nearly lives online you see). When I do see him, I want to ignore him. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. What would I even say? Whether or not we even exchange words, I walk away with tears in my eyes. I managed to bring myself to attend a meeting that he chaired today. I stayed for half an hour and then left to do some reading. I thought I would be okay and productive. But then, a sad song played over the speakers and I sat there crying by myself. I thought I was being inconspicuous, I was weeping quietly, I wiped discreetly, I sniffled lightly. But it went on and on until the girl in the chair next to me asked,

Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks.
What's wrong?
I'm really, really sad becuase my boyfriend broke up with me. Oh, it's the book. It's really sad.
Oh, it's just the book?
Yeah, it's just the book...it's sad. Thanks though.

Part of me wanted to open up to this girl, this random person who cared enough to ask, and tell her everything from when we first kissed and our first date to all the trips we took, all the things we saw together, all the new foods we ate. I wanted her to know everything, to see how real it all was, how wonderful and full and to know how much it hurt now that it was gone. But I didn't. I didn't say a single thing and instead walked home by myself, sobbing into my scarf.
4:24 pm