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Monday, February 14, 2005
Trying Not To Hate The Day To anyone that has ever broken up with a significant other or been dumped, I'm so sorry. I wish no one had to go through anything like this because I know how much it hurts. And it sucks. From the first time J and I broke up in October, all the times in between, and now, few things are different. Reasons are a bit different, but the feelings are the same. Sadness, loss, emptiness, loneliness, ache. The tightness in my chest has come back, my heart hurts. My appetite is going and my sleep is fitful and filled with dreams about him. He is the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep and the first thing I wake to in the mornings. Except he's not actually there, not beside me. Yesterday I woke up sad and angry. Part of me hates him so much for all this, but I know he's not fully to blame. I rationalize to myself, He's not my boyfriend anymore, He's barely a friend, Stop expecting so much from him. But those words don't make the pain any less. Today I woke up just sad. I had a dream that we tried to work things out again, and we were together with both our families there. Things were happy. But in real life, it was raining outside and my room was dark. Now I'm in a slump and I can't get out of it. I'm missing class as we speak, I'm crying as I type this. The sadness strikes when I'm alone. I'm trying to get out of the house more, but when I come home, I check the answering machine and my e-mail in hopes that he's decided to talk to me again, but I do it all only to find...nothing. Maybe the e-mail didn't get to him yet, Maybe he hasn't read those posts yet...I sigh in resignation. No, I really don't think that's it at all. I tell myself, I can't be in this relationship if he doesn't want it. But then I ask, What do I do now? I didn't want out of it in the first place. Why do I have to do these things? Part of me feels sheepish and embarrassed that I feel so pathetic, that I actually used my blog and begged the internet public to be my friend. But I really needed to do it. If I hadn't, I wouldn't be able to thank those who have e-mailed me, sent me messages, called, and took me out. I can't tell you how much that all means to me right now. Things could be worse. At least I don't have cancer. At the very, very least, I'm alive. But I have this feeling that life should be something more than just being alive. |
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