Hi.

It has come to my attention recently that there are an increasing number of people who read my blog. So, to all the relatively new visitors here, hello and welcome. If you randomly clicked your way here through a long list of links, the chances are that I don't know you and you don't know me. And that's okay. What concerns (worries/troubles/apprehends) me and the rest of this post is those of you who know me in real life. Not that I have any sort of serious problem with you reading my blog, because I don't. I fully realize that it was me who started this thing up, on the Internet, and put it out there for the public to find. I will however, take the time to say that I kept this place to myself for a long while and did nothing to advertise the fact that I put bits and pieces of my life onto a webpage. And it stayed that way until I realized how cool linking and comments were. It all came full circle of course as I now have no links to others (sorry) and no comments.

You may be wondering why I do this. If you have a blog, LiveJournal or any other form of personal publishing vehicle, you may understand. However, the concept of a blog may be totally foreign to you. The word 'blog' may make you giggle, it may confuse you, you might be wrinkling your brow and saying "What the hell is a blog?" A blog is many different things to many people and I will not even attempt to define it here. All I know is that it started out as 'web-log' and got shortened to 'blog' somewhere along the way. Some people use their blogs to keep in touch with family and friends far away. Others use them to aid in their professional careers, to entertain, or to anonymously confess secrets.

To me, this is a place for me to share. And that's just it. It is for me because I ultimately make the decisions around here - I choose the words and the photos to post. It is a place of sharing because nearly anyone and everyone can visit and read and look. It was shared with those who bothered to leave comments when I still had them, and it is (for now) shared with the internet public. You.

I do, however, consider this space mine. I will admit that I don't consider other people an awful lot when I write my posts, but at the same time, I try my best to be fairly sensitive of the things that I do share. I usually do not include names unless I've asked first and I do not use this space to whine or complain about others, so don't worry. Unless, of course, you've got me tangled in some sort of relationship problem in which case I might get emo on you and write sappy emo things. Apologies for that in advance. Like I said, ultimately, this is about me. Undoubtedly this entire space reflects my narcissistic side and I'm hoping that you knew that when you first started reading. If not, maybe the photo collages of me and only me that are coming will help.

I've learned a couple things during my two and a half years here. The first being that I can't hide. Not that I ever really wanted to anyway. People will find me, whether through a random set of links, gossip or by Google-searching my name. So if you accidentally let it slip during a conversation that you read my blog, don't be afraid. It's okay with me and yes, we can talk about it. You can reference it because I most likely will too. Just try not to do it everyday. It's difficult to separate one's web life and one's real life and I don't know anyone who has successfully done it. Once you attach your name to something online, the two lives get inextricably intertwined and there really is no escape. So really, I'm not going to bother giving off the impression that I want to keep the two separate.

The second thing I've learned involves impressions. Now, for those who don't know me in real life, this likely doesn't matter much as (hopefully) you've realized that you. don't. know. me. Simple as that. This is only bits and pieces of who I am and when you put them together, you're really only getting half the story. The other half is in me, my personality, my daily activities, my phone coversations, my friends. My real life. For those who do know me, all I can say is that this isn't everything. There are things that I do not write about here (although that list is getting shorter), secrets and confessions that are left for the pages of my journal and the ears of those I trust. I worried about this a bit more when I first started out. If I write about my boyfriend will people think I'm clingy? If I write about school will they think I'm a nerd? If I write about a night at a bar will they think I'm an alcoholic?

In the end, I can't control the multitude of interpretations that may come of a single post. I write what I write because I feel that it is right for me at the time. Come back in a day and things may be totally different. Talk to me in person and the perspective can change even more. Even I cringe when I read through some of my old entries, but I know that that was Shirley Then, not Shirley Now. I hope that you can do the same. I've never deleted a post because I don't want to hide my past here. There are some rough spots and many imperfections, but taking them out would leave you with an even more incomplete image of who I am. Sometimes I will get emotional here (as I have many times in the past), and possibly poetic (let's hope this doesn't happen too often). I have been angry, bitter, frustrated and unbelievably happy here. Sometimes I can even be funny.

I am not surprised if my choice to share these feelings online still weird you out and I wish I could find a better way to explain why I do what I do. But like I said in my first post, I can't really explain why I'm here. It was an urge, a feeling. I wrote then that Perhaps it's simply a fad that will fade...perhaps by sharing I will discover something...learn. And this is still largely true. The most important thing I have learned is that blogs have the amazing ability to connect you to other people. We share a lot of the same experiences, fears, insecurities, thoughts and feelings. I have met wonderful people who have shared their stories with me, who have made the effort to support and get to know me whether through e-mails, a long distance phone call or a seven hour conversation at a cafe. I'm throwing a line out there, hoping someone will tug back.

Things are constantly changing, I have good days, bad days and quite a number of fleeting 'moments'. Please take things with a grain of salt and try not to judge me too harshly for them. I only have one half of the story to tell - my half. And of that half only some of it is here, otherwise I'd have none left for myself. Remember that in the end, the choice to read is up to you.

Thanks for visiting.
7:53 pm