Tracing Plotlines

I'm not sure if I'm feeling a bit grumpy today or just lethargic. I think I feel somewhat lost without my journal and these scraps of paper just aren't doing it for me. Without those thin blue lines I'm more inclined to write down phrases and questions rather than whole thoughts or stories. My mind seems to be a bit jumbled like these thoughts randomly scattered on the page...I'm starting to do things that I'm not understanding again.

I am without my CD collection here in Markham so I looked through the music that I didn't pack when I moved away. I came across two mixed CDs that Greg made for me when we were still together. One is entitled Greg's "I Love You" Mix CD and the other Shirley's Goodbye CD (for when I went to a conference in Atlanta). To tell you the truth, I've been listening to the I Love You mix on repeat for most of the evening. I don't know why, I can't explain it.

Part of me is thinking that it's nice to remember what it was like when we were together and how much fun we had - the last song on the CD is about how his biz-nitch is the shiz-nitch, and it totally makes me laugh out loud. I suppose I'm just feeling reminiscent and I'd rather remember a relationship that I associate with more good than bad right now. It's nice to remember what it was like to be loved.

It's funny how things work out - a few days ago marked the two year anniversary of when G and I broke up (I of course being the biatch who broke his heart), but within the last few months we've actually started to 'talk' again. He randomly found my blog and sent me an e-mail which I thought was a lovely gesture. It's not a full-blown friendship just yet (will it ever be again?) and I have to admit that I found it rather unnerving when we started to regularly e-mail each other back and forth.

But then The Rule came to mind. I heard from a friend that when you break up with someone, it takes about double the time that you were together for you two to be friends again. Which is true in this case. Nowadays it's nice to see that I have something from him in my Inbox and I smile. Part two of that rule is that it takes about half the time that you were together for you to be ready for another relationship, which was not true after G and I split. And if it is going to be true this time around with J, I've got a good long bunch of months ahead of me.

I can't tell if this will be the greatest thing in the world for me right now or not. A huge part of me really wants to love someone with all my heart and have them love me back with all of theirs, but I am also verging on being a cynical man-hater. Well, not man-hater, more like the kind of chick who rolls her eyes at every nice thing a new guy says to her and generally stays the hell away from you if you so much as even try to make a move on her. A man-stayer-awayer. Yeah, that's me. Stay away.

I hesitate a bit to expand on this any more because I haven't gotten all of it figured out yet. Part of me wants the love but part of me knows I'm afraid to jump in again, so I hide behind this shell. It's classic heart-break syndrome. It's by the book and almost predictable. But I still don't get why I was listening to that CD all day.
10:38 pm