Signs

He believed in signs and I didn't. Everything has inherent meaning, he said. But at the beginning of the relationship, when I asked what he thought of the speeding ticket he got when coming to pick me up for our 'first date', he thought nothing of it. Secretly, the pot of violets he got me for my birthday and how they bloomed so beautifully was a sign to me that things were well. When we broke up, he told me that there were signs. Things telling him that we should not be together. The stars were aligning, things were starting to make sense. The speeding ticket was a warning after all. He sent me the results of a tarot card reading that I never looked at. I saw signs too. The pot of violets died and got thrown away without me knowing. I've tried to ignore signs since then. Something only has meaning when you assign one to it.

I came to California expecting a good time and a tan. I wanted new friends and lots of memories from the conference. I did not expect to see his name on a tag, waiting to be picked up at the registration table when I walked into the building. I'm serious. There it was, JS, Wilfrid Laurier University. My breath caught in my throat, I wanted to vomit. I thought my knees were going to give. I thought it was a joke. A sick joke. Who would do this to me? Why is this happening? Is he actually going to be here? HERE, at Chapman University, in Orange, Orange County, California, all the way across the continent, HERE? WITH ME? To the big guy upstairs, this isn't funny.

And it's not. I was upset, very upset in the beginning. I wasn't going to make a big deal out of it, or tell anyone other than my roommate, but I knew that this was going to change everything. When I talked to Annia, I told her that I was sad going to the US by myself - the last time I was there was with him. Don't worry, this time you'll be alone and the next time, you'll be able to say that the last time you were there was by yourself. We were wrong. I wanted to do this by myself. I wanted this experience to be for me. I'm not going to be immature and say that this ruins everything - but it comes close. Remember how much I thought about him before? Imagine me, sitting in a classroom with him, having meals with him (close by), even spending the 4th of July with him. I'm surprised I haven't freaked out and got on an early plane for home. I thought about it though.

The 4th. We had effectively avoided each other for almost 24 hours. I decided to gather my guts and tried to talk to him but we had nothing to say to each other. I left with tears in my eyes and spent half my lunch hour crying in front of a computer. I wanted to run away and celebrate the holiday with some friends at the beach. Without him. And there we were, on a bus talking about music and having fun, going to the beach, when at some random bus stop, he steps on. 5 years ago, 1 year ago, 7 months ago and this would have been a dream come true. But now (then), it completely deflated me. I spent the evening thinking that we had never been to a beach together, never swam in the ocean together. I watched him talk to loved ones on the phone, sift through the sand for seashells. I watched him laugh and have fun and fall in infatuation with other girls. I watched his eyes and saw the way he looked at her - he used to look at me like that.

Why are we here? Why did he get on that bus? Why are we together? Why now?
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