 ARCHIVES
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Friday, July 08, 2005
Untitled Breathe deep and slowly and do not think about how you saw a bucket hat at The Gap months ago and thought about buying him one because he was so sad when he lost his so many years ago only to have him show up with one on his head that looks almost exactly like the one you saw all those months ago that you thought about buying him, but it looks like someone else beat you to it. Do not think about how well you still know him after all this time. Breathe in deep and hold it in your chest and release it slowly to keep the tears in your eyes as you look at him in his wrinkly khakis and that pin-stripe shirt that you love so much. Is it strange that I can still remember how I rolled his sleeves up for him? Is it strange that I can still hear the hum and whir of his laptop in the middle of the night as we lay in bed in each others arms in each others hearts in each other? Is it so unbelievable that when I found out that he is now dating someone even though he said to me that it would take him so long so long so long to be ready for another relationship, gosh she must be something special to have helped him get over all that, that I cried and cried and cried cried cried so hard that I shook as I choked on my sobs on that cold metal bench by myself in the cold California night and then skipped a lecture skipped a social skipped out on everything that I flew five hours for because I needed to cry cry cry and write it all out and cry some more and then sleep it off and hide it from everyone else. Is it not funny that the big guy upstairs keeps tempting and testing me with one slap in the face after another? Dear God, this isn't funny. I will defy you I will not let you get the best of me I will be tough as nails on the outside to cover up the emptiness on the inside so that I will say no when the offer is made to stay with him in the city. I will not give in to the familiarity I will not give in to the comfort because all of that is dead dead dead now. There is no more comfort and the things that were once familiar are so strange and they are not mine to be familiar with anyway. I will do this on my own and I will wonder why these things are happening to me because I thought you were supposed to look after my soul. Breathe deep. |
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