I Win - A Long Explanation On How I Left and Came Back

It's taken me about a month to figure out how to tell you what happened. I suppose I just needed to take some time to let it all sink in and blow over and for me to think about it, accept it and get over it. Two weeks ago I didn't think that I had accomplished the latter two to the fullest yet, so I waited. And now, I think I'm good and ready enough to tell you what happened. Just because I think it's important and because I actually care about this blog and all of you that I think I owe you some sort of explanation as to why I all of the sudden just picked up and left. I'm sorry about that, by the by.

So.

Here goes.

What happened?

In a nutshell, someone out there decided it would be super fun to email the link to my blog to my boss and my co-workers.

Breath. Just thinking about it again...not good.

And no, the reality was that it wasn't good. Not good at all. I went into work on Monday afternoon, the first day of classes, chipper and excited to be starting my new school-work schedule. My job had suddenly increased in stress levels and with classes starting, my social and alone time would surely diminish, but I was sure I could handle it. My boss called me into her office and I went in excited to talk about the list of things that I needed to do. But instead, she started talking in a tone that made my insides twitch nervously and it all started something like this, "I need to talk to you. On Friday afternoon, I got an anonymous email...."

I hate anonymous emails.

Oh you, you curiously but ridiculously interesting person who decided to send that anonymous email, oh you must be laughing right now.

Some might be thinking, "Well, what's the big deal? All kinds of people read your blog." The big deal is that I've never wanted my blog and my work life to mix and though I really couldn't care less if another person out there reads about my relationship woes or what I did over the summer, what does make this a big deal is that the most recent post at the time was about work. No, I wasn't that stupid to mention the name of the place where I work, and I wasn't that stupid to mention my coworkers' names. But if someone from work reads about how I was extremely frustrated with a specific situation at work and those involved, they know very well exactly what and who I'm referring to, even in all my thinly veiled-ness. Apparently, I'm stupid enough.

So there I am, looking my boss right in the eye, completely shell shocked. I sat very still for a long time. I'm sure I stopped breathing for several moments. Is this for real? Is she serious? Did that actually happen? She told me how she was disappointed in me, how she found other things that I had posted last year about work, how angry she was that I wrote such things. And then I started to cry. I cried and cried and cried my way through several apologies and my way home and a mess of jumbled thoughts that consisted mainly of How? and Why? and Who? and and and....

I was really sad that night. I think I was angry too.

There's not many more details to share and to tell you the truth, I'm wary of sharing in general. For almost three years I've been sharing bits and pieces of my life here and though I've read about people who got fired because of their blog, I never imagined anything remotely close to that happening to me. No, I didn't get fired and yes, there's a big difference between being found out and being ratted out. Most people got found out due to their coworkers or boss' curiosity to Google search their name or somehow they followed a list of links and voila, they find The Blog.

But my experience was one of malicious intent. This person who did it knows who I am, knows my blog, knows that it belongs to me, knows where I work, and for some reason beyond the reaches of my imagination, thought it would be worthwhile to look up the email addresses of my boss and coworkers and email them the link to my blog. It's scary if you think about it - they know me and I don't know them. That's a big deal too.

Honestly though. What the hell? Do you not have better things to do? Why did it matter to you? Do you actually care about the reputation of where I work or was it just me you were targeting?

The situation was ridiculous and it shouldn't have happened. Work was at its busiest ever and all of the sudden I had unbelievable amounts of damage control to do in order to maintain a somewhat bearable work environment. I'm still recovering from how tired everything made me.

What made me angry and weary was that very few people really, seriously, genuinely understood. It's a blog. It's personal. I was having a bad day. I know that I was venting, that I was acting like a two year old throwing a temper tantrum. I know I was being sarcastic with all my overuse of capital letters and exclamation marks, I know I was making fun of the situation and was blowing it way out of proportion so that it barely resembled real life. I know that it was unprofessional and not very smart. It's a blog. It's personal. I was frustrated, I needed to get it out. I was unbelievably busy, I wanted to do good work and that day made it impossible for me to get very much done.

And what mattered the most was that I had no malicious intent at all. The point was not to hurt anyone's feelings, I did not mean to make anyone feel bad, or to have them think that I don't like working where I do. That's not what any of this is about. I do not take working there for granted and yes, I do love it. This job means so much to me - I've internalized the goals of the position so that they've become my own. I've skipped innumerable lunches to work longer hours, I've stayed in the office until seven or nine at night. I return every phone call and email I get as soon as I can, I've walked across campus in the rain without a jacket or an umbrella to get something in the mail on time, to get posters approved when I'm supposed to be at home making dinner. I've put in unnecessary overtime on weekends and sometimes I don't put those hours down on my payroll - just because it didn't feel like I was working. I've never asked for anything, I don't get special recognition and that's fine. I still like it. I worked there last year and I wanted to come back. If they decide they still like me at the end of my term, I'll go back next year too.

Do you get it yet? I love my job. I love where I work, I love the ladies in the office. They are more than super sweet, they make me smile when I walk in and when I walk out, they are maternal and offer to drive me home when it's cold and dark and I have to walk. They bring in snacks and congratulate me when something big happens. We watched the wedding video of one of the ladies when she got married, we coo over each others newborns, and play or chat with each others' sons or daughters when they come in. Working there has given me a new family. And it hurt so much to know that someone out there wanted them to think that I wanted to hurt each and everyone of them. Because I didn't. You hurt them.

And to this person, I am unsure of what I want to say to you. I know that unless you reveal yourself to me, I will never know who you are. I'm not sure if I care. I will always be interested in your motives and what you were thinking when you did it. Maybe we could get together for tea one day. I thought I wanted to thank you, I thought I wanted to tell you to die, to die right now or else live a horrible life, I thought I wanted to say that I hope that no one loves you, I hope no one ever has loved you and never will love you, I'm not sure if you deserve any love at all, I hope that your life is filled with lies because sometimes I'm bitter about it. But really, I don't think I want to say anything at all to you. I don't want to tell you any of that because you'd probably laugh, I don't want to tell you that you disappoint me, because I don't think you'd care. I certainly don't want to thank you. I don't want to call you a jerkass or douchebag. I think I just want to look at you to stare and stare and stare and just say, "Okay." And never see you again. I don't think you're worth much more than that.

You don't get this. You have no idea why I'm here, what this blog is about. You don't know me so don't pretend like you do. You can't even tell me why you don't like me. I know I said "You win". And maybe you did for a little bit because I felt severely defeated. I had no strength left with which to fight - I was tired of fighting losing battles. Fine, you don't like me, fine, you hate me, fine, you want to hurt me. Do it. I'm still tired, but I realized something along the way. You cannot break me. You cannot break my spirit. It runs from my head to my toes in one single, strand of strength that has only ever wavered when I lose a loved one. I didn't lose anything in this case. I'm still here. This blog is still here. Work went well. Things are getting better. Slowly. Surely. And they will continue to get better. I am not scared of the little bad things that can happen. The concept of shit hitting the fan is not new to me. I've survived more than you know and I survived this.

I win.
2:02 pm