Me Lately

Every now and then I get this feeling that I want to write something here, and though I lack the time or the inspiration or both, I constantly think about wanting to say something but not being able to find a way to say it. A friend once told me that if you're constantly thinking about doing something, you'd better go ahead and do it, otherwise the thought is just going to sit around in your head and fester. And no one wants that.

I'm currently trying to do some readings for a major research paper that I have to write, but about an hour ago I really wanted some ice cream. So I went to get some. Then after the ice cream I felt like I should tell you a little something about me lately. And so I am. But you know how they say that satisfaction is increased when you don't get what you want right away, but only after you work and wait for it, and how the anticipation is so great that you hope it never ends? Yeah, I don't know if I believe that so much anymore.

Me lately has been listening to Konstantine by Something Corporate on repeat because it has that beautiful soul-enveloping and haunting quality to it, kind of like a broken heart that just won't heal and eventually there's comfort to be found in the pain. It's that kind of beautiful where you listen to the song and feel it filling your being so wholly that when it stops playing, you need to recover from the sudden lack of it. Music so rich that it fills you like a million festive dinners and you can't really appreciate silence anymore.

Me lately realized that I've spent the last seven years of my life learning how to fall in love with someone, but never once did I learn how to fall out of love. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will. Admittedly, there is something capital R Romantic about spending the rest of your life alone and making art dedicated to Regret, and every now and then I get a glimpse of what that life could be like for me, but I don't know if I really want it or not.

Me lately has fallen out of touch with this whole 'blogging thing' and this feels weird because just about one year ago, I wrote tearful posts about heartbreak and long letters to strangers around the world about how absolutely messed up my life had become. The peace I was looking for was never really found and I'm hoping that I'll stumble upon it sometime soon. I've lost touch with the online community and sometimes feel unwelcome in it. Then again, I've felt this kind of unwelcome on campus too and I wonder why it is that things turned out this way. And then I remember that it gives me one hell of a good excuse to leave the country next year. Though I may say I never want to see any of this again, I'm sure I'll miss it eventually.

Me lately has been rejecting relationships with boys and romance in general. I don't want anything to do with either and the thought of being in love with anyone right now can make me nauseous. I don't want the sap. I don't want you touching me or hugging me or telling me how wonderful I am. I don't want the flirting or the giddiness that comes with finding someone really neat because it's clear. I'm not your star. You have to understand that no matter how much he hurts me, until I fall out of love with him, no one stands a chance. Please don't think that this is easy.

Me lately has enjoyed being alone. I think that if this is what it takes to reconcile me with my mistakes, I can do it. I can imagine my life on a movie screen and no one can laugh at me for it. I can be mopey without having to complain to anyone about it. I can revel in my own happiness. I can do this on my own and like it.
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