Basket case. Head case. Emotional wreck case.

Hopeless case.



Sometimes, just hopeless.

What happened to me being happy, fresh and looking forward to the semester, to my classes, to meeting new people, to my play, to everything? Damn, that felt like just yesterday. I thought that keeping busy was a going to be a good thing, to keep me on my toes and up and at 'em every morning. Shame it hasn't quite worked out that way.

I've been really, really tired and stressed out lately and somewhere along the way I lost my drive to turn the other cheek and keep doing things with a smile. I can't believe it's only been 3 weeks. I had an assignment that was due last Tuesday at 4pm that I have not started yet (talk about committing a major Academic Blunder). I just ordered books for my classes last weekend - some won't arrive until February 23rd. I can't get up in the mornings to go to work. These things are not hard, they are not difficult, they are not beyond my abilities whatsoever, but for some reason I just don't care enough.

So this is bad news because these things all need to be done, they have to be done or else I will kick myself for it later. But instead of actually doing anything, I'm sitting here whining to you about it. All I want to do is read and write and watch movies and have fun with the roomie and chat on MSN and post entries to my blog. I want to go out at night and chill or hang at a bar with some friends, not stay in and do work like I have for the past however many years. Who knows. Something inside doesn't feel...typical, or usual, or 'right', or whatever.

I had my first solid rehearsal for the Fringe Festival a week or so ago and as we sat down to plan out our rehearsal schedule until the show, all I could feel was this immense swelling...not of pride, not of joy, but of fear and resignation. I saw my whole life being filled up with meetings and tours and practices and sessions and rehearsals and work right before my eyes and I wasn't doing anything to stop it. I was the one doing it. It's like that scene in Titanic when Rose describes the misery that might swallow the rest of her life and how she wants out, how she's screaming at the top of her lungs but no one even looks up. Yeah. I feel like I'm being swallowed whole.

I feel like I want it. I do want it. I don't want it. I don't know what I want. I want to have this assignment finished but I haven't started it, I want this application done but I'm not working on it. I want to work, but I don't want to work so much, all the time. I want to quit everything, I want to leave. Right now. Never ever ever have I felt such nonchalance, such indifference to things that I thought mattered to me. Maybe it's because I haven't slept well or enough in a week. Maybe I'm malnutritioned. Maybe it's PMS. Maybe it's Third Year Syndrome. Maybe I've just had enough. Enough with this work, enough with the stress, enough with having to do too much and not knowing what for.

I know! I KNOW!! This is very uncharacteristic of me. I'm supposed to be cheery and spunky and happy-go-lucky and energetic and chipper and and and...ugh. Let's just all hold hands and hug and hope that it's a phase that will pass. Like a kidney stone. Yes, a kidney stone. Kidney stones.

Kidney stones.

Kidney stones.
4:20 pm