Wanting Someonething

So I've spent the last little while (and by 'last little while' I really mean 'lots of hours-er...days') with Cutesy McGreeneyes* - hanging out at his place watching TV and polishing off seasons of Arrested Development. On Friday he carted my arse up to the mall and stuck with me for hours as I ran around campus doing a gazillion different errands. Then we went back to his place and he fed me spicy sausages with spicy mustard and garlic mayonnaise. Mm, boy food.

But I've been thinking, How much do I really like this boy? Okay, so we've spent a lot of time together recently and I do enjoy and look forward to seeing him. He's still cute and nice and funny and fun and still generally great, but I'm being more cautious. I guess that darn protective wall is starting to go back up again. I'm wondering, What if it's not him that I want, but rather what he reminds me of? Do I want a relationship with him, or a relationship with someone...someone that I love?

For the first few days of school, I felt a large amount of resolve and optimism (typically not that unusual for me). I had things to do the second I moved back to school and keeping busy really does wonders because it kept my mind off all the extra fringey stuff. Like boys and how to get over my emotional sterility. But now when we're watching TV and I'm on his couch and his legs are resting on my knees and we're arguing over watching Conan O'Brien or Jerry Maguire (and settle on The Simpsons), I'm thinking, This is so nice.

I used to hate sap with the fiery passion of a million burning suns - I didn't want to listen to songs about relationships, I didn't want to watch movies that had to do with love, I rolled my eyes at everything romantical and sweet and Aww! It all made me gag angrily and I was perfectly fine being as cynical and bitter as I was. I didn't mind being alone and in fact, I knew that it was a good thing for me. But I've been walking around in a daze for the last few days because I'm daydreaming about holding hands and hugging and kissing and being lovey-dovey again.

It takes just one person do all that. To remind me how nice it is to have someone there to study, shop, or watch movies with. How I missed having someone to cuddle with on the couch and snuggle with in bed at night. How unexplainably wonderful it is to wake up in the morning next to them even if they kept you up all night with their snoring. How your heart takes a breath when you look at his bare back as he's changing his shirt.

For my birthday For next Christmas For life, I'd like to find someone who makes my heart happy all the freaking time. I want someone that I want to kiss all the time, someone that I can't stop touching, someone I can be naked with day in day out. Someone who won't mind my clammy palms or my cold feet at night. I want someone who I can trust, whose friends I won't be jealous of, who I can feel secure around. I want someone that I want. I want someone who's love I won't question.

At the very least, even if Cutesy McGreeneyes isn't the right one to do all this for me, I'm not that bitter anymore. I think I'm back to my hopeful, yet saptastic, self.

* This nickname officially approved by none other than the lovely Moonshine herself.
2:15 pm