State Of The Heart

Okay, so here's the deal. I know this may seem really weird and maybe even a bit creepy-stalkerish to you, but I've been referring to you as Cutesy McGreeneyes when I tell my friends about you. I don't say it to everyone. Mainly just my net friends. And my blog. Yeah, so the entire world can read about you, but the good thing is that they don't know who you are. Really. But I've actually stopped using that name and I'm...starting to say Jerky McStupidface nowadays...but I don't think that makes you feel any better about it.

Anyway.

So, I know that you said you don't want a relationship. And by that you really mean that your ex-girlfriend majorly screwed you over and did a little dance all over your heart after she ripped it out, thus rendering you emotionally sterile, which I can totally understand because...I'm understanding like that. And it's cool that you don't think you're ready for one yet, because I think it takes a lot of guts to be able to say something like that to someone right in front of you sincerely and honestly. And I don't think that you're being anything but sincere and honest when you tell me that.

But, see. The thing is, I like you. And I know I said that to you already, but I don't know if you really heard me. I like you. And no, I don't know if I can tell you WHY specifically, I mean, how do I explain matters of the heart(?!), and even when I try I can't really say it much differently than this:

When you smiled at me in the book stacks the other day, I think my heart melted. And I wanted more than anything to just grab you and kiss you right there between the shelves because I think that's hot and weirdly romantic in some way - making out in the library, in the History section no less. I totally enjoy the fact that you're intelligent and you try hard at school and I can't tell you how much I loved it when you said we use the Gregorian calendar and not the Lunar or Caesarian ones.

And that weekend, when I saw you play with your band...I'm embarrassed to let you know that half the photos I left with were of you and your shiny red guitar and your Taking Back Sunday t-shirt. And I couldn't even hide the fact that I have the two photos we took in the photo booth at the mall tacked up right beside my computer monitor. I wonder if you saw them as you were scrolling through my iTunes and noticed that I like some of the same bands as you do.

I love how you snuggle me close when we're lying in your bed watching a movie, how we both try to squish into your desk chair at the same time, the way you brush the hair out of my face with your hand, the gentle tickle of your fingers against my back. It's a wonder that we still hang out every now and then, still flirting as we do, given the circumstances. You know, the ones that say, It's a stupid idea to like him because he doesn't want to date you!

Yeah, those.

And so I'm trying not to take it personally of course, because one of the big things you like about me is that I'm emotionally mature and don't act like a child, but it's hard because I wonder, Are you not ready for a relationship or are you not ready for a relationship with ME? I'd really like to give you the benefit of the doubt here and keep my insecurities out of this too, but the longer this goes on the harder I'm going to find it to do so.

I mean, you like Chinese food. And you eat it all the time. You liked my mum's dumplings. And not only do you know how to order the good stuff at dim sum restaurants, you know how to use chopsticks too. You even know of a place that serves dim sum 24 hours and even I don't and I'm Chinese. You like Indian food and ohmylordy I started imagining right there how I could take you to all these nice restaurants and we'd have so much fun eating with our hands. Remember that time you said you couldn't wait to have kids and I said, You didn't just say that and you wondered whether I was weirded out or not? What I really meant was, Wow, I can't believe you just said that and No, you have to stop saying things like that because you're making it that much harder for me to not like you.

But. You know, maybe we are better off just being friends. Right? We'll still go for cheap tacos and beer on Tuesday nights. And I can go to your gigs and you can come see my plays and we can go to concerts together in Toronto and then go for dim sum at midnight. And then have brekkie at three in the afternoon. And then go to the library and spend hours in the History stacks. But if you ever smile at me like that again, I'll look right into those big green eyes of yours and think, Oh. My heart.
9:46 pm