 ARCHIVES
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Wednesday, March 08, 2006
I Suck, Basically I'm feeling a lot honest and a bit vulnerable right now, so I'm just going to come out and say it: I think...I'm lonely. No, no. I know I'm lonely. I used to be one of those people: "I'm too busy to be lonely. I don't need people, I have things to do. I don't have time for all that relationship business." Bullshit. So it takes a few days of being sick, one vodka-7 and a load of exhaustion to make me realize that damn, my body is absolutely starved for intimacy. I want to be wrapped up in smells and feels and warm. And somewhere out there, I know there's someone who wants the same things with me, of all people. (Where are you?) I wish that there was a switch somewhere, I'd flick it and everything would just turn off, at least until I finish the semester. Feelings are lame, right? The last thing I need is to start asking myself, "Oh why don't boys like me?" On top of everything else that I'm doing, taking time to mope and feel sorry for myself is just taking more time away from my rapidly-declining-in-quality schoolwork. Currently, in addition to revelling in self-pity, I'm also spending my days sucking at being a student. I'm embarrassed to hand in my midterm exams. It's like shit on paper. I feel as though I went to class, smeared my feces all over the exam booklet and handed it to my professor saying, "Here. Please fail me." And of course, this is AFTER they write me wonderful reference letters, this is AFTER they meet my parents at an awards ceremony, AFTER they praise me in front of my family, AFTER they tell my entire class how great I am, AFTER all those high expectations have been set. NOW is the PERFECT time for me to go and show them how much I SUCK. |
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