No Name

Alex wrote this after the New Year and whenever I feel really down, I read it over and over and over again. It helps remind me that I'm not all that bad all the time. This piece of writing has brought me much comfort when I most needed it (read: lately).

He remembers me in a way that I don't, in a way that I prefer, but can't seem to capture anymore. When I read it, it's like I can't believe this is who I used to be, who I am to someone out there. Someone cares, someone thinks of me, someone wants me, of all people, to be happy. I'm going to dabble in some change in the coming months, and it is my hope that I keep whatever it is about me that inspired his post.

I've made conscious efforts not to use my real name on this place since September because I'm afraid of people being able to search for and find me, of associating me with bad things that are in my past. But this is something that I'm proud to have my name attached to - this is something that I want people to know me for.

Thank you, Alex.

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Big Al | 1/02/2006 06:54:00 PM

The Shirley Manh Post

No Myth - Michael Penn

I just finished reading Shirley's latest blog post. That's some heavy shit right there. I mean...wow. I'm not saying you guys should go read it, I just need to sit down for a sec. Whew. Okay.

That New Year's Eve post really sucked. I'll say it for everyone. It was rambling and boring and the only good part was the link about Blue's death, which was actually bad when you think about it and...I'm rambling again. I want to talk about Shirley.

Is it lame that someone else's post has inspired me to write? What do you call that? I don't know, I was just reading it and it's like...it got caught in my throat or something. I'm all verklempt. I felt like I was watching a particularly emotional episode of Gilmore Girls or something. Scratch that. It was more like I was reading the recap for an episode because I missed it and with every paragraph I'm just like, "No! No way! Word?" I can't remember the last time that I talked to her about serious stuff and while I'd heard bits and pieces about her situation from other people and by checking her blog every now and then, I'd never actually seen (heard? read?) it all in one sitting. Heavy shit. A lot of her posts have been like that recently because of the freakin' holidays. I swear. The combination of snow and Christmas music and people making out with each other in the park is enough to drive anyone crazy. Everytime I read one of her mopey posts I'm just like...like...someone this amazing should never have to feel like this. But I respect her so much because she does.

Why am I saying this? I guess hanging out with her over the holidays for a minute acted as a reminder. I already mentioned before how much I enjoyed her company in Guelph. Then there was Christmas day, when her and Gary dropped by my place and I wasn't even awake yet. I think it was one in the afternoon. That was always a fantasy of mine in high school. That my chums would come and visit me one day when I was still in bed. And I'd be all groggy and disoriented and they'd think, "Man, Alex is a wreck! What an interesting life he must have." That's not how this went at all, but at least it kind of happened. Rambling, rambling...

She liked Wolf Parade, which makes her instantly cool. Even though that CD is soooo 2005. Har har har.

Let me start over.

*****

The first time I really talked to Shirley was in grade 9 or 10, I can't recall exactly which. I only knew her as Gary's friend that he knew from his old school. It turned out that we took the same bus route. We had a lot of time to talk at the stop and, much like now, she was funny, engaging, cute, knowledgable, and not afraid to punch you in the arm. I hated stupid "Yellow Car". I don't think I ever spotted a single one. One time I thought I did, but it was "champagne coloured", which was the first time I ever heard of that colour. Now everytime I see a champagne coloured car I think of our bus talks. And I want to punch somebody.

After a while I fell for her. Hell, who wouldn't? It was a silly, mostly harmless thing and it came not only from hanging with her but from numerous microscopic incidents that would only be relevant to one such as me. I remember the day that I told her I liked her. I'd planned it with maximum strategery. I was just about to be shipped off to Panama...no...no, wait...I was about to go to Queen's University for a week (there's something else I have to write about) and I thought, "Sweet, when she rejects me I'll have a ten-day 'buffer zone' (including weekends) where I won't have to see her. I genius yes!" So I said what I had to say and nothing came of it and I felt awkward around her for a few months...no, that's not it.

Here's the part where I try honesty. Don't worry, it won't be a regular thing, I'm just trying it on. See if it makes my ass look fat.

After falling for and getting over (remember people, this is all happening in my sick, twisted mind) Shirley I still felt awkward around her for about...oh, until recently. I idolized her. I thought of her as some primordial goddess whom men should not only worship, but fight wars over and wear bizarre ceremonial clothing for. She was keen. To accept that I didn't have a shot at her in a romantic sense was a blow to my flimsy male pride. Plus, I felt stupid for being yet another guy who had a thing for her in high school (there were plenty). At the very least, I could have been original.

So yeah, I've known her for a while and I've never been perfectly comfortable with her if only because of my own insecurities. It's ridiculous. I remember that I'd always be afraid to invite her to my birthday or other get-togethers because I thought she'd be "busy". And by "busy", I mean I thought that she was too cool for us. Or something. That's how insane I was in high school...and in 1st year university...and 2nd year...and five seconds ago...but I digress.

Shirley is wicked-smart, though I always forget what she's doing in school. I remember that Shirley used to be involved in everything at Markham District, which blew my mind. She was like freaking Jamie Madrox. Shirley is capable of feeling bad about the smallest things (like broken toy chandeliers). Shirley can make you feel like the most important person in the world. Shirley is a good actress, or so I've been told. Shirley is extremely brave, but also extremely dumb if she thinks that jumping out of a plane at a gajillion feet in the air is somehow supposed to be "fun". Shirley never ceases to surprise me. Shirley is one of the coolest people I've ever met. Shirley is one of the most terrifying people I know.

It's not there, damn it. It's not in there. Everything I have to say about her. I wish I'd known her differently in high school. I don't know exactly how else we could have met, but just differently. She lives, like, ten minutes walking distance from my house. We could have spent so much time together, though I doubt she would have wanted to. Too bad I was scared. Not anymore, though. I feel like I can comfortably call her a friend of mine now. When people ask if I know Shirley, or if I know of Shirley I feel I can say that I know her. Not that well, mind you, but enough for now.

I gave up hope a long time ago that her and I would ever be friends. I thought I'd always be calling to her off in the distance from wherever the hell I am. By observing the bad (reading about her trials and tribulations) and the good (actually interacting with her) the whole relationship has been put into a new context. First I knew her as Gary's friend. Then as one of those girls in the gifted program. Then somebody I could fall in love with. Then...then...nothing. Now I know her as Shirley. No disclaimers or preconceptions necessary. No artificial flavouring. Just Shirley. Maybe she's known me for a while, but sometimes I feel like we've just met. I hope it's not too late for us.

*****

That's New Year's for you, right there. I should change everyday, but I know I won't. I have to be reminded that time is moving on and I have to read about the happenings in someone else's life to actually even attempt to share anything of real value. Truth? I want her to read this and I want her to like it. I want school to take her mind off of all the personal drama that she's had to deal with. I want her to pursue being an actress. I met Shirley Manh the other day and I want her to be happy.

*****

Damn, I feel sleepy now. Truth and honesty are exhausting. Was that even what that was? I'm not sure. Hey, maybe next time I'll write about that time I "went out" with Niki. Yeah, that's the ticket. Oh God. I'm out, y'all.

I think yeh were right, Jesse. I think I'll try actin' like a man.
9:17 pm