Complimentary

Though it's clearly not evident on this here bloggy blog given the quality of recent posts, I am typically a girl of high standards. It usually only works one way, being that the people I'm with don't need to live up to such standards because they are reserved mainly pour moi. In most situations with others, I am rather easy to please (see: something shiny) and I don't need relationships (both friendly and romantic) to be extravagant - I simply like enjoying each others' company and just chilling out without having to work for a good time - nor do they need to be maintained via compliments and/or other general vocalized niceties. I've never been very good at taking compliments and I'm still trying to figure out how to do so gracefully without resorting to complimenting the person back or making some sort of self-degenerating comment.

Lately, I've been assaulted with a barrage of greats and prettys and beautifuls and smarts and intelligents and awesomes, and all of the sudden I am not only freaking out over how to say Thank You without sounding under-appreciative, but also over what to do to with myself in order to maintain such a state of being so that I continue to deserve such words. I grew up with an intense fear of disappointing people and though I think that receiving compliments is supposed to have the opposite effect, nice words make me feel even more nervous about being inadequate. The difference is that I wouldn't feel 'not enough' at the time, but in the future.

I know, I'm a self-conscious freak.

Here's my line of reasoning:

1. If I get called pretty or beautiful, then I feel like I am pretty/beautiful right at that moment and only when I am looking as good as I am right then. I start to feel that when I wear plainer clothes and less eye make-up and when my hair isn't just so, that maybe I won't be pretty/beautiful anymore because I don't look the way I did when I was called so. Hence, the closet in a constant state of near-explosion and my incredible collection of face-painting products (that gladly, I don't use that often).

2. If I get called smart or intelligent, then I feel the need to upkeep the image of Geeky Yet Awesomely Cool by using big or uncommon words in everyday conversation. Like ambivalent or plethora. And I start paying attention to the newspapers and brush up on my random, trivial facts (did you know that the word 'trivia' comes from the Latin words tri - meaning 'three' - and via - meaning 'street' - because at the intersections of where three roads met would be where people would post notices and announcements). I mean, I use these kinds of words anyway, but now there's more pressure to do so.

And that's the thing right there: Pressure. Compliments, in some twisted way that only my twisted mind could twist up, somehow put more pressure on me to be even more of what I am so that I don't fall into the not enough pit. Sometimes I feel that it's not so much a pit as it is an imaginary well that I've already fallen into and in trying to dig myself out of it, I'm only getting myself deeper and sadly, deeper. It makes sense though, right? When my awesome qualities get noticed it's natural that I want more of that, so I'm only trying to make my awesome qualities stand out more lest the person think I'm not so awesome anymore.... Man, that sentence reeked of low self-esteem and the need to have others validate my existence.

I know I'm awesome without being told so, I swear.*

Anyway, all this came to mind when I thought of the poor state of my blog (and how it's sucked for so very long because I'm away from my desk often and for so long at a time** - wah!) and how once upon a time my friend Dan used to tell me so often that he loved this place and my writing. Now, I have never, nor will I ever, think of myself as a Writer, but his comments used to make me feel Aww and think Hrm. Every time he said something nice I felt the need to pump out something better so that he'd continue to see that Yes! My reasons for enjoying her blog are completely legitimate and not built on flimsy foundations! I know that our friendship is nowhere near needing to impress each other all the time (Dan Dan Dan, don't you go and send me an email telling me that you still like my writing because I'm not fishing*** for more of that!), but sometimes I can't help but feel that maybe if I haven't disappointed him that maybe I've disappointed someone else. That nebulous someone else, of course, being me.


* This doesn't mean that you have to stop telling me so. :o)

** Got home yesterday aft, leaving again tomorrow morn.

*** There's an important distinction to be made between working to earn more compliments as opposed to just plain ol' baiting and fishing around for them. I like to think that I try to earn my keep.
10:23 pm