Guest Blogger: Big Al

When Shirley sent me an invitation to be a guest blogger on her site I was filled with mixed emotions: Excitement...Fear...Hungry...pretty much in that order too. I mean, what do you write on someone else's blog? This isn't the same as keeping someone else's house clean for them while they're away (even though that's exactly what Brian just compared this to). There is a distinct possibility that you're going to leave things in a much worse state than they were before. After some thought, I decided I'd just introduce myself. What better way to get to know Shirley than by learning more about who she chooses to spend time with, right? Right.

Real Name: Alex Lee
Age: 21
Height: 5'10'-ish.
Weight: About a buck fifty.
Marital Status: As far as I know, none of my marriages are recognized by the province of Ontario. So...single.
Occupation: I've been working at a grocerty store for...the last two years, as of Tuesday. Oh my God. I'm severely depressed.
Favourite Movie: Pulp Fiction
Favourite TV Show: Scrubs
Favourite Musical Act: Weezer
Favourite CD: It's hard to pick one, but I've listened to Ready To Die by The Notorious B.I.G. about nine thousand times.
Notorious Words To Live By: "If I wasn't in the rap game, I'd probably be knee deep in the crack game. Because the streets is a short stop. Either you're slingin' crack rocks or you got a wicked jumpshot." In my case, both are true.
Favourite Sport: Basketball, both to watch and play.
Is Your Game M.V.P. Like Steve Nash?: Yes.
How I Met Shirley: We have many, many mutual friends. However, our first true interaction stemmed from the occasional bus rides we took together in grade nine. We used to play that game where if you spot a yellow car you get to punch the other person. I never got her once. I think about that game everytime I see a yellow car. And everytime I stare at the permanent bruises on my arms.
Three Most Desired Women: Jessica Alba, Adriana Lima, Christina Milian
Three Men I Would Totally Do If Given The Chance (Not That I've Ever Actually Thought About It *Whistle, Whistle*): Conan O'Brien, Hugh Jackman, Michael Jordan
If I'm Still Able To Conceive After Years Of Blows To My Groin, My Child Shall Be Named: If it's a girl, Charlotte. If it's a boy, Febreze.

Feel free to use any of those questions on the next "getting to know you" chain e-mail you decide to send.

Sorry if that came off as snarky or impersonal or abrupt, but I'm restraining myself from taking advantage of this webspace that has been bestowed upon me. I'm not even sure where to go from here. Honestly, I figured I'd just upload a picture of my wang every few days for your viewing pleasure until Shirley got back. Better judgment has prevailed. As it is, I suppose I could regale you with tales from Shirley's past, not that any immediately spring to mind. I'll just make them up if I have to. While we're all waiting for her to come back and share her sordid adventures with us, we could use this space as sort of a greatest hits compilation and remember all the good times we had. Then her new shit will drop and initially intrigue us, but inevitably disappoint. Then she'll follow up with a series of posts that are meant to represent a "return to her roots" and she'll win back her fan base in dramatic fashion! This metaphor, or whatever it is, has gone straight to hell.

Then again, for Shirley's sake, perhaps you'll never hear from me again.

We miss the hell out of her already, don't we?

- Big Al
3:41 am