I'm Full Of Questions Because I Don't Have Any Answers

The second time I got my own spot on the internet, I named my little space "Widgetyish". I had learned about widgets in my Grade 11 Marketing class and thought it ingenious to have a term that just meant "a thing". I figured that I was very thing-like, hence my desire to be widget-y-ish.

The first time I had my own webpage, it was just named after me, BeautifulMeadow, because that's vaguely what my name means in Old English...or something.

When I started this blog, way back in November 2002, I named it "The Dreamery" as if it were going to be a place where I could sit and spin my dreams like thread, or weave ribbons of them and braid them into my hair. The colour scheme was a mauve-ish-pink with orange and white accents.

It's strange to think of those places online that are now gone because one of the most common, re-occuring fears that I have regarding my blog is what I would do if I were to ever lose it. I wonder, What if Blogger one day got overloaded and the whole system just crashed? What if all of the Internets imploded violently, suddenly, without warning? Will I cry and lament my now-forgotten past, wishing that I had saved it all into Word documents? Will I just frown and sigh, move on, and keep writing my present?

It feels strange to me now, to meet someone who doesn't already know something about me or won't soon learn about it by reading this little corner of the web. I've known, and know, a couple of people who fell in love with my blog long before they fell in like with me. That thought often leaves me wondering if my online self is anything like my offline self and if they were one and the same, would losing one component mean something detrimental for the other?

I'm talking/thinking/typing a lot of whack because it's late at night/early in the morning and I've had a mentally and emotionally charged evening. My thoughts now are mainly: What does the past matter? If you're interested in someone's future, how could you not be interested in their past? That being said, how much should something as trivial as being arrested when you were 14 matter in a long term relationship when you're 22, or older?

I've got a sordid past of my own, much of which is fully accessible to the curious public right here, so I can't really stop people from reading and knowing it, but the parts I can hide...will I? Should I? What becomes irrelevant and when? Am I just waiting for amnesia to set in so everything just falls into a black hole and I never have to deal with it again?

Again, whack.

This post that started with the brief history of my web-spaces was supposed to go on in a more eloquent fashion, but it's past 1am and I'm supposed to be reading about transnationalism and refugees, and I can't really remember what my point was anymore. Something about things long gone, the past, the present and future....

I forget. Does that matter?
1:29 am