Don't Bring Me Down

A week ago I was all, "Oh dear, my grandmother is dying and I'm not really sure how I feel about it." Now, a week later, four days after she's passed, I'm still not really sure how I feel about it. I know that I'm okay, and that being away from home and family is helping with this nonchalantness. I feel so terribly insensitive because I'm going about my business as usual; the news isn't hanging over me as much as it's just sitting on the back burner. I'm going home this weekend for the funeral, etc., and I'm really quite bummed that I have to miss rehearsal, the Global Citizenship Conference, and the symphony concert(!) for it. This is going to be the only symphony concert this term too, and the last one that I get to see for free as a student! Drat. See what I mean? Do you need some more ice for your drink? Let's chip some off my heart.

I've got a mixed bag of emotions about this whole thing. First off, I'm not looking forward to being sad, and secondly, I'm not looking forward to seeing my relatives. This is my dad's side of the family, and though I like my daddy a lot, I never really liked his family. They treated (and still do treat) my mother poorly and she is an amazingly stand up woman around them. She has had the grace, level-headedness, and dignity to go about making funeral arrangements for a woman who never liked her while surrounded by relatives who rudely talk about her behind her back and sometimes in front of her face. My grandmother was indeed my grandmother, but it's hard to truly mourn for someone and a family who never liked you or the person who brought you into this world. So, as much as I am Ice Queen about it, I feel that's it's not exactly unreasonable. I certainly won't make a fuss, and I will be there to support my father; and though I will probably cry, I'm still not sure how I feel about this whole thing. It happened, that's all, really.
10:32 pm