Unwritten

I dreamt that he wrote to me. It was short and simple - and truth be told, it was fuzzy at best because I was dreaming after all and couldn't really read it - but it was written in that way that only English majors can write. In the way that only he can write. Really, I can't remember what he wrote - he may have apologized, he may have been funny, or sweet. It didn't matter. Whatever it was, it was a sigh of relief and a breath of fresh air. It was exactly what I had been waiting for. It felt so real, as though, in the middle of my slumber I actually relaxed and settled into a happier sleep. I might have actually smiled.

Waking up this morning, it took me a minute to remember that it was indeed a dream and with that realization settled in, I slumped back into that sigh of heaviness that I've been living with the past little while. He didn't write to me. He probably never will (and though I'll be disheartened, I won't be surprised). Even though it's been this long without a single word from him, the fact that I dreamt about it last night has been sitting on my heart all day.

Amongst the hundreds of emails that he and I sent to each other during our few months 'together', I really only cherish one, the one that he took some time to think about and actually write. The one in which he might have sort of- kind of- recognized my role in his life, however small and brief it was. For the tiniest moment in time, he almost let me know that he cared about me and maybe that he missed me too. But I was never sure.

One morning in the springtime, upon waking next to each other, tangled in his sheets, I told him that I had had a dream. "I dreamt about you," I whispered sleepily into his neck.

"Really." An emotionless reaction, as always. "What was I doing?"

"You were writing."

"What was I writing?" I thought for a second. I couldn't really remember what exactly it was that he was writing. And it wasn't the subject that was important, it was who he was writing to. I took a breath, a risk.

"You were writing to me."

He said nothing. A second later and he had changed the subject.
9:20 pm