The Last Two Times

It's not like I haven't tried. Oh believe me, I've tried. But there was something, coming from somewhere that kept me from straying too far, like a dog on a leash, or a bird who thinks it's free, but doesn't understand it's in an aviary.

The first time was dramatic as all hell. I had just had a few drinks, but thought I was fine, so my emotions were heightened beyond my comprehension. I ended up upset and crying (after giving a gift, for goodness' sake), and cried some more (alone on the bathroom floor - for goodness' sake!). And then, all of the sudden I decided I needed to leave, so I went and stormed down the street in the dark with gritted teeth and balled fists. It felt like a scene from a made-for-TV movie. I half-wondered if he would chase after me. He didn't. The last thing I said to him was, "Please don't come!" in a mouthful of sob.

It took a few days before I called him.

The second time, I was sitting on my front porch with his voice hot and electric in my right ear. We were supposed to 'hang out' that night - tacos and beer, like we used to sometimes. I was trying to explain why I was feeling apprehensive, and all of the sudden, I hit the nail on the head with one question. In a flurry of blurred eyes and heartbeats in my ears I hung up on him. I stared at the phone sitting in my lap for a long time afterwards, surprised and gasping for air. I didn't pick up when he called back. I wondered if he would try again. He didn't. The last thing I said to him was, "Did you sleep with her?"

It took a few months before I called him.

Tonight (hopefully the last time I try to - and need to - get away from him), I kept it light and short. There was no drama, no big deals, no explanations and no feelings. "Oh no, it's fiiine. You guys have fun. Really. Good luck with moving ...and stuff." My whole body was overheating and I hoped that my uncontrollable shaking would spasm images of his apartment out of memory. I kept reminding myself to stay positive (I attempted a smile to get those endorphins flowing), to be unselfish, to remember that it wasn't about me (when, ironically, it totally was). I don't know if I felt worse before, or after the call. At least I'm not wondering whether or not he's going to do anything, because this time, I know. He won't. Prefaced with half a chuckle, the last thing I said to him was, "Bye."

You know what they say: Try, try, try again. Third time's a charm, right?
10:52 pm