Uhm, Bummed

I don't know how else to explain it.

I don't know what's gotten into me - or out of me, for that matter. It's like something in my head just got up and left me one morning, leaving my mind voiceless to this blog that I've kept bits and pieces of my life in for seven years. It's not like my life took a dramatic change and I didn't feel like talking about it to anyone. It's not like I didn't desire to keep writing and sharing here or that I ran out of things to talk about. My life may not have taken a great turn in any direction, but I'll always have something to talk about, trust me. Sometimes it just feels like that sleep I wrote about needing in October of last year when I came back from Paris was just a really, really long nap. So I entitled that one post in February the way I did, to try and prove a point to my brain that I indeed have woken up from said nap. I guess it was more like I rolled over to hit the snooze button.

Either way, I'm here. And what I have to say...well, I just I don't know if it'll be any good. But I'm saying it anyway.

It feels funny - to suddenly go so long without something that you once held very dear to you, and central to your being. I thought about it all the time (the fact that I wasn't writing here anymore and still really wanted to) - every day in fact, but didn't do anything about it. That's not true. I did try. Periodically, I'd get a good idea for a post and bookmark it in my head for later when I had some time at the computer. I'd open up a fresh, clean text box and after typing a few words... nothing. I just sat there with my hands off the keyboard, stared at the screen and sighed. I suppose it's kind of like breaking up. You've got something every day for a handful, or two, of years and then it just kind of... stops. Slowly. It leaves you or you leave it, but either way, something goes a-way. And you're kind of watching it crumble right before your eyes, and you know you can't really stop it so you sit there with your hands at your sides and just ...stare. You don't know how you're going to continue on without it, but somehow, you just do.

Gee, sounds like I suffered another heart injury and I'm back to my old self, doesn't it? I do mean to talk about the blog - and how not having it, not actively engaging with it for the past many months, resembles a broken relationship that I'm still unearthing myself from.

The funny thing about this one is that it WON'T GO AWAY. And it's been bugging me since January - that's SIX MONTHS, PEOPLE. I get that it always takes me some time - moreso than the average bear - but my gahd, I'm starting to either seriously question the Universe on why the hell it's f-ing with me AGAIN, or just straight up question my mental and emotional health and general well-being. Because this? This wasn't an episode of I've-been-in-love-with-the-guy-for-ten-years and it wasn't like the time I wanted to marry him but then he went and swallowed two bottles of Aspirin. This? Was a classic example of why two awesome kids who are into each other but live an ocean apart can't make it work. It's a story of a girl and a boy who spent six months learning about each other over the phone and free VOIP software and spent the few moments they did have in person tangled up in each other's arms and legs and tongues and clear-sky eyes and crooked smiles only to realize it was all for naught in the end. It's a story of utter heartach- nay, DREAMache because this time? I really thought I was so close.

But COME ON. I knew it wasn't going to work from the get-go. I was skeptical and sarcastic about it - heck, I thought I even tried to hold back a bit (mission unsuccessful, but still, the idea was there) and that's a big sign that I was trying to keep it casual. So this is why I'm crazy: I kept saying that it probably wasn't going to work out, and then it didn't work out. I was right and now I'm sad.

Big deal. Get a grip, woman!

While I'm here ranting, I will also admit these other things:
- I miss him. A lot. It hurts.
- I wonder what his purpose in my life was
- Did he somehow, in some way, affect my not writing on this blog for such a long period? If so, WHY?!
- I've noticed that every time something bad-boy-related happens, I feel better after I write about it a few times and let the whine out. Will I start to feel better after this?

Also - Merry Christmas, Happy 2010, I'm going on a two-month bike trip soon, I turned 26, yay summer is here(!), an- ohmygod. MY TAXES. Shit!
10:36 pm