Otesha Testimonial

In my everyday life I consider myself to be a perfectly ordinary person. I listen to the CBC. I do laundry when I run out of underwear. I like a drink after a long day at work. I love the feeling of crossing an item off my To Do list. Like any ordinary person, I wonder about who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, I count invisible money, dream about the places in the world I’m going to see, and I lie awake at nights thinking, "What I am going to DO with my life?"

Like many, I knew that I wanted to help people... right? That’s what good people do... right? I knew my heart twitched with a pang of guilt every time I saw a World Vision commercial, so that must mean that I’m meant to go out there and change the world by doing something great... right? What kept me up at nights wasn’t necessarily the plethora of problems plaguing the world, it was that ever-so-slight-yet-very-important difference between the fact that I CAN make a difference in this world and that I DO make a difference. So, what I was going to DO about all that out there... how does one go about choosing a problem to help with?

Going on an Otesha bike tour was of the biggest ACTS of my life – I was finally going to DO something with all of my undirected energy. I discovered Otesha last March and it was completely by chance. I was at work one day and needed to ask an old colleague a favour: “Hey, think you can help me out when I’m super busy in June?” And she said no, she was busy in June doing this farming bike tour thing. Here’s a link if I was curious. And I was, so I clicked on the link. And another link. And oh my, by the powers that be vested in the Internets, I found The Otesha Project.

Poking through the website for the first time was like opening one of those matryoshka dolls, you know, the Russian nesting dolls that are placed one inside another. “Ooh, there’s more. What, there’s more? No way, there’s more!” I could hardly believe it – this organization was this delightful combination of different things I loved in life that I never thought could be combined: theatre, bicycles, environmental education, working with youth, seeing the country, living simply and sustainably and more! So I couldn’t help but just take a breath and jump right in. I applied and I interviewed; I was accepted and I was pleased as punch.

My parents on the other hand... I announced over brunch one weekend that I was taking a few months off work to go on a cycling and performance bike tour and my news was met with silence and then, “You’re doing WHAT?!”

Parental resistance aside, I had to get busy. I had to get a bike, and panniers and a rack to hang the panniers on to. And gear and a lot of stuff I didn’t have because I had never done anything like this before. I had to fundraise and train and yikes - fit 2 months of my life into two bike bags. I was both terrified and totally pumped.
One evening in June I met Otesha’s Ferocious Farm Tour team as they came through Toronto. I went to see the play I’d soon be performing myself, I went to check out their bikes and gear, and have a vegan dinner with them. And all of the sudden I realized the answer to the question I had been secretly asking myself for months, "What have I gotten myself into?!" And the answer was: something simply amazing.

During the first week of September I witnessed 16 complete strangers become my new family. We were a mostly fully-functional one at that. It was our training week and we had to figure out how we were going to live with each other for the next two months. All of the sudden I was using hand signals at nightly meetings trying to reach consensus. I was talking about my feelings at least once a day every day. I ate my meals out of one reusable container with my one spoon. My bed was my sleeping bag and mat on any empty floor space I could find, nestled snugly amongst my team of 16. I was rehearsing a play with no costumes and no props, and I knew more about importing bananas than I ever thought I would. The one thing I could never get used to though, was eating burnt oatmeal in the mornings.

As a team we came face to face with heavy rain, strong winds, potholes, some serious hills and tragedy. Today marks the 8-monthaversary of our first official day on tour and that means tomorrow is the 16th, the day 8 months ago that we lost Andrew. We came face to face with the fact that life is precious and short.

But you know what else we came face to face with? Audiences! Hundreds upon hundreds of audience members! And while it was sometimes intimidating, it was totally empowering to realize that these students really got the messages from our play and workshops. They’d ask these Level 3 questions that made me pause and really consider my words before I spoke them. How do I explain how clothes are made in a developing country? How do I tell a student from a farming community to be thoughtful in their produce and meat choices. How do I make a fair trading system tangible to someone who’s never heard that term before? They questioned my answers and I liked it. It was powerful. As I went, I could feel the world changing... or was it that the world was changing me? I’ve never been so active, or eaten better. I’ve never slept so deeply or laughed so hard I nearly peed my bike shorts. I’ve never been surrounded by so many learning experiences, so many beautiful people – and I’ve never felt so healthy. Being a part of Otesha was like getting to know myself better and my place in the world. It’s about challenging yourself to really walk the talk. Not only was I setting an example for others, I was setting an example for myself. As an individual I came face to face with my potential, with the impact my daily choices had what it really meant to ask questions and question those answers. And to do it with a smile. With activism should come joy.

Suddenly my life wasn't so ordinary anymore - I was a part of a cycling theatre troupe! We felt like heroes cycling off after performances at schools. What a wacky thing I thought I’d never do. It’s not even that I thought I’d never do it – it’s just that I never thought of it, never thought that such a thing existed.

So what has Life After Otesha been like? Coming home was a big change and I'll admit that the transition wasn't easy, but it was character building. I now carry around a set of small utensils with me, lest I lured by disposable cutlery. My housemates and I let it mellow and I still try as much as possible to read labels and shop ethically. Actually – I don’t shop for much anymore. After coming back from tour, I took on a personal commitment to not buy anything new for at least one year. I came face to face with my consumption and I didn’t like what I saw. What I saw was a chance to challenge it and change it. I’ve realized that doing something differently is not doing something difficultly. Everyday is an effort to make these little changes to my life, and I am excited to normalize these actions so that they are simple and no longer require noticeable amounts of effort. Important, yet so natural that it’s like breathing. I want cycling, staggered showers, eating organic and additive-free to be very, very ordinary. And there is something to be said for things that are, indeed, extra-ordinary. They are extraordinary.

So on my To Do list: Make my own toothpaste. Make peanut butter. Stay conscious in life. Consume less. Change the world. But first, I have to let the world, and all that it has to offer, change me.

I had to think for a long time – how do I share a story of how Otesha can change the lives of real people? Well, here I am and I have proof. The evidence is in my leg muscles, in my ability to change a flat tire, and most importantly it’s in my realization that I CAN and WILL make a difference. I am, slowly and deliberately, becoming the change I wish to see in this world. It’s not huge, not big yet... but I’m getting there a little bit at a time.

I told people that coming to this event would be like An Introduction to the Organization that Changed My Life. But the more I thought about it, I realized that’s a lie. Because The Otesha Project hasn't changED my life... it's changING my life. It's still happening, in the present tense. And it will likely continue for some time.

So what is a testimony? Something given or done as an expression of esteem, admiration, or gratitude – and when I consider all the different ways in which I can describe what Otesha has done for me, all I can say is: Dear Otesha Project, thank you. For providing me with an opportunity to undertake one of the greatest endeavours and adventures of my lifetime. For bringing me into a new family. For HOPE. For making a perfectly ordinary life, feel pretty extraordinary. Love, Shirley.

Cheers.
11:07 pm

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Unspent Love

Suddenly, I have so many questions.

What was the inside of your house like, growing up? And what were the Territories like? What did you like the best about Europe? What food comforts you? Do you have a favourite colour? What is your favourite memory of doing something alone, all by yourself?

But I could never comfortably ask you about your new job. Because then it would be Real.

I felt like I was trying so desperately to get you know you just as you are leaving. Why didn't I ask you these things before? Did I want you to remain mysterious? Was I afraid of knowing you too well...?

I never knew you liked your oatmeal with milk. But you like your eggs over-easy. And your coffee black. And I'll likely always remember these things. Maybe that's what I was afraid of all this time - never forgetting.

***

I think about all the things we talked about doing, but never did. Like going to Beats, Breaks & Culture fest at the Harbourfront. Like dancing wildly in the streets to Samba Elegua at a Pedestrian Sunday in Kensington. Like going to Manitoulin Island. I mean, we did have three years... why did I wait that long to cook you a nice meal and make a hot breakfast?

But then I think of all the things we did do; all of the music, concerts, dancing, driving, ethnic food eating, yoga, walking, writing, hair trimming, hair waxing, hand holding, and just holding...

No matter how hot, sticky, sweaty and entangled in the sheets we were, I always woke to you holding me (even if it was dictated by the space (or lack thereof) in a single bed...).

I think about all these things and realize that I loved you in a million different ways. And it's hard for me to bear the thought of not waking in your arms. And when I realize exaclty how hard it is for me to translate this lump in my throat and these tears that roll down my cheeks, I know that I will love you in a million more.

***

I was so afraid at first, so afraid to tell you that I loved you.

And knowing that you were leaving made me more afraid to tell you, lest it sound like a desperate attempt to keep you. The news of your going ate at me from the inside out - like the time you told me you were moving out of your house on Gordon Street. I've never dealt well with Loss and Leaving and having you go is like something between and break-up and a death. Slow, and deliberate.

I've been mourning your leaving since the weekend I helped move you out of your apartment. I cried for days after that. And yet, we tried to celebrate - our 'last' two nights in Stratford. Trying to drink each other up while we could, so desperately. It makes me think of the duality of the half-empty fridge people keep right before they travel. Such a strange, conservative half-life we lead as we try to make meals out of whatever food it is we have left. But that isn't quite right, is it - it isn't conservation that we practice at the end of things - it is expenditure, using up the last of what remains. Maximizing use before expiry - and I don't want us to expire.

Ex..pire.

Respire.

Breathe.

***

I am clinging onto whatever pieces I have left of you, knowing that I have to let the rest go. Let it go.

What is the force that takes you away? There, to Her - the woman, the land. Where I haven't been made a place to belong. Is it true, what they say, that sometimes Love just isn't enough? Because I love you, right - and you love me, right? So I wonder to myself, What is it that keeps us apart in this life?

And that inevitably leads me back to wondering about the force that brought us together in the first place.

What was that?
And what held it there, between us?

***

With boundless love, through time and over oceans,
Always,
-me.

11:07 pm

Friday, February 25, 2011

Up In The Air

It's 7:26pm and I'm late. It's all I can think. I should have left a half hour earlier, I shouldn't have had dinner with Amber, I should have checked in when I had that free time, I shouldn't have over-estimated myself. So now I'm texting while driving to the airport, trying to get my boss to check me into my flight because I don't know how to use the internet on my Blackberry*. True story.

I'm not panicing, but I'm vexed. I'm not panicing because I know that if I do end up missing the flight, I'll get another one. And if I have to stay the night I have a loving friend who can take me in and heck - I'd drive back there right now if I could instead of flying home only to work more anyhow. I'm vexed because I had a long two days and I was mildly rejected by a boy I thought I liked. I admitted to myself that what I really wanted to do was call the boy, because I didn't get to see him before I left and maybe he'd wine me and dine me and WINE ME again and then he'd comfort me and cuddle me and make me feel better after a long day.

But then I thought, NO. That's NOT what I want to do. And it's not what I NEED to do. And no, it's not because I'm bitter that he mildly rejected me, it's because at the end of a long, tiring day, I shouldn't need a boy to make me feel better. I should know how to make myself feel better and handle my own stresses and vexed-ness and NOT rely on a man because man is not woman's best friend. Wine is.

It was a really self affirming thought and I'm glad I had it because it calmed me down even though I was still late for my flight.

After BBM'ing with my boss (still while driving) I accepted the fact that I was going to miss it. Check-in closes a half hour beforehand and it was now 7:34pm; I was still many minutes away from the airport and I had to return the rental car. Ah well. Shit happens. The universe will decide what's meant to happen and it looks like I was meant to miss my flight.

I manage to enjoy the rest of my drive, I take my time organizing my bags and with a tired chuckle, tell the men at the rental car place about my bad day. I drag my feet, my bags, and my ass to the check-in counter.

Without thinking about it, I head for the self check-in machine not remembering that I should be telling the people at the counter that I need a new flight. And then I realized that I'm actually checking-in, that this machine is allowing me to check-in for a flight that should have already boarded and should be taking off in 5 minutes. My eyes scan the screen - Flight DELAYED.

I can hardly contain my giggles and my story telling and suddenly I'm telling everyone around me that I thought I missed my flight I already had a bad day ohmygoodness it's actually delayed here I am checking in I've even got 20 minutes to spare before boarding isn't the universe just GREAT?

Knowing that the Universe takes care of me was also a really life affirming thought. I chuckled all the way to my gate.


*Not MY Blackberry but my WORK Blackberry. I would never own a Blackberry.

10:52 pm

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

(Lack of) Laundromat Love

I'm pretty sure it was in that movie, 40 Days and 40 Nights. There's a scene where Boy walks by a laundromat and sees a Girl doing her laundry whilst rocking out to her music. She's stunningly beautiful, of course, but she's probably also pretty down to earth if she's doing her washing at a place called Monkee Laundry while dancing along to tunes coming out of a Discman. Boy goes in to meet Girl and the love story continues from there*, but I was already hooked on the idea: I wanted to meet a boy at the Laundromat.

Fast forward 8 years. I'm still single and I've just moved into a new place (just a couple of months ago) and though it was small, had no storage (for three girls, that is not a good thing), had no laundry**, and the bathroom was in the kitchen***, I fell in love with it. It had character and we had a rooftop patio (2 of them!) after all. Sure, it's winter, but give us 4 months and we'll have the coolest place EVER. I admit that I first balked at the idea of not being able to do my laundry in-house, but it seemed too late - I was already half-way through signing the lease. I gave a resigned sigh and said we'd figure it out later.

Now fast forward 2 months and I'm starting to run out of socks and underwear. I don't know how I manage, but I've gone two months without doing laundry before. I have a lot of clothes and I wear mostly everything at least twice before washing. It's Sunday and I have a few spare hours in between committments, so I make a vow: Today, I am going to do my laundry. I raise my fists in the air to get myself excited. YEAH! I sort and throw all my colours into bags (whites are for next time). I grab my iPod and a stack of work to take with me. Almost forgot the detergent. When I finally get out of the house I almost get stuck in the doorframe. I look like a pack mule plodding down the street and around the corner.

Inside the laundromat, I make an adventure out of choosing the right washers, getting quarters from the change machine and putting my clothes in loosely enough so that they're washed effectively. I’ve got 3 machines going at once and I'm contentedly sitting on a chair doing some work. In the middle of my reverie, I notice a dude come in with a bunch of stuff and eye my machines. He walks around, comes back, and stands against the wall. I think to myself, No way – he’s seriously going to wait for my machines when there’s plenty of others in this place? Weirdo. I wonder if I messed up his Sunday routine, if maybe I'm the New Girl who didn't know that these washers were HIS. When one of my loads finishes I get up to empty it and ask him, “Are you waiting for these?”

And that was all it took to strike up a conversation! Before I knew it, we were having a full-out strangers-who-just-met get-to-know-you-chat. We talk about laundry and how long we wait to do it, how Sunday is a good day for that kind of stuff (chores), we talk about work (he’s an ENGINEER! automotive – designing electric wheelchairs), school, living in the Junction, we talk about lots of random little things. I tell him he dropped a sock and he asks me if I know about wool. He shows me how to use the dryer and I tell him he dropped a sock, again.

His name is Will, and Will and I chat for an hour. He’s super friendly and nice he tells me that it's really nice to meet me and man – laundry was suddenly very, very exciting. Is this it? I wondered, Is this the thing I've always wanted? He's cute to boot. He says to me, “Have you noticed that there’s a lot of brunch places around here?” Well, of course I have – are you going to ask me to brunch?! I wonder… He doesn’t, but later he does say, “We should grab a beer sometime.” This IS it! This is the thing I've always wanted!! I get all giddy and give him my number. I'm super excited and almost tell him the whole weirdo dream I have of meeting a Boy at the laundromat, but I catch myself: Don't get too crazy just yet, okay? I have the world's biggest grin on my face as I leave. I daydream as I walk home clutching my dry clothes and all the rest of the night about what it would be like to actually go on a date with him and how we'd get along and how I wouldn't be wearing my laundry-day clothes - even though I LOVE a good funky t-shirt and jeans.

The next day at work I wonder how long he'll wait before calling me. Or if he'll call me at all - texting is the thing these days. Sometime in the afternoon I check my phone and see that I received a message from him late in the morning. It was a long text from him explaining that his intentions were just to be friendly, that he has a GF and that he thought I might have noticed from the panties in his laundry, though he joked that they could have been his, haha. (I did notice, and saw the noticeably small sweater as well, but thought they might be a roommates…? Is there ANY ROOM for wishful thinking in this world anymore?) He admits that by the end of our conversation he was too embarassed to say anything. He apologizes for leading me on, but that it was really nice talking to me.

I sigh and close my phone. Well, there goes that.

No hard feelings, I write back. The world needs more friendly people like you! I say. Thanks for making laundry time a little more enjoyable. I thank him for letting me know (he could have been a jerk and never called/texted and just left me to wonder) and tell him that my roomies and I love new neighbourhood friends so if he ever wants that beer... I mean everything I say, but... well, you know - this sucks.

I suppose I still did technically meet a boy at the laundromat. I just failed at meeting a potential boyFRIEND. Ah well. He’s still super nice and sweet, so I hope that maybe we still CAN go for a beer – I would love to have a friend in the neighbourhood and we can tell the fun story of how we met. Maybe he'll swoon over me later...



*Initial infatuation starts as a result of words actually, another idea which I also fell in love with. He looks over her shoulder while she's reading a magazine and notices that she's underlined a few words. She marks them because she doesn't know what they mean, and this way she can remember to look them up later. Paris Boy did something similar and I was over the moon about it....

**I actually found out about the laundry (or lack thereof) while I was in the middle of filling out my lease****. I was signing my name somewhere and nonchalantly asked, "So where's the laundry machines, by the way?" To which the landlord responded, quite matter of factly, "There aren't any." It sounded like he was ready to say a big DUH at the end of his sentence. I looked at my two roommates. "You two didn't think to ask about LAUNDRY?!"

***True story.

****OMG I signed a 1-year lease. I've more or less committed to living in one place for at least a year. AAAHHHHHHH!

12:04 pm

Saturday, January 08, 2011

Having Left The Drake Passage...

I first heard about Students on Ice ten years ago when I was in high school. While volunteering at the local bingo hall one night, a friend asked if I would ever consider going to Antarctica. The first thing out of my mouth (other than a huge, curious grin) was, "Yes!" I had never thought of it before, but it pulled at something in me. To make a long story short, we never made it on that trip, but SOI's maiden voyage in 2000 stayed on my mind for the last decade. Two weeks ago, when I arrived at the airport and started to meet everyone as the expedition got underway, I worried that I wouldn't be able to express to anyone how truly meaningful it was for me to have finally made it here.

Our word of the day two days ago was "ineffable" - describing how something is inexpressible. How appropriate, I thought. I've been wondering about how I'm going to describe everything to people when I get home. I have been thinking and talking about Antarctica for ten years how, I have to show some photos and tell some stories, don't I? But ...how?

This is the Last Continent, the last bit of the earth to be discovered by explorers and for a long time, the continent of Antarctica didn't appear on any world maps. When it finally did, it was a vague scribble at the bottom of the page, labelled "Incognita" - Unknown.

I read this quote shortly before I left for the expedition; it struck a chord with me and will undoubtedly stay with me for some time. And for now, it is the only way that I can express how truly meaningful, and ineffable, this experience was for me: "It is not down on any map, true places never are."

4:26 pm

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Heading Towards Hidden Bay

It occurred to me last night as I was lying in bed that yesterday would have been my first day back at work after the holiday break. But instead of being at the office, I found myself spending the day at Deception Island, doing a plankton tow, hiking up to Neptune's Window, walking amongst old whaling stations and then doing a "penguin dip" - a jump into the chilly waters of Whaler's Bay and then a luxurious dip in a homemade hot tub with thermal waters. And during the time when I would have been taking transit home, I was hiking up and down a volcano.

It takes me a while to process all of the incredible things that we do in one day and I want to be able to translate all of these awe-inspiring experiences into ...something. But you know how they say "A photo is worth a thousand words"? Well, neither my photos nor my words could do this place justice. Because I'm here now and I'm completely and utterly speechless.

4:24 pm

Saturday, January 01, 2011

These Boots Are Made for Walking...

I'm tempted to put on my comfy "ship shoes" when I get dressed in the mornings before breakfast, but I decidedly put on socks and my good boots because I just never know when I'll want to go outside. Well, that's not true - I want to go outside all the time. Whether it's to get some fresh air to ease my queasy head and stomach or to see if I can spot another albatross, I always appreciate our view: endless rolling waves and just this wide, vast, seemingly unending royal blue ocean.

We've crossed the Antarctic Convergence (whoo!) and the 60 degrees south latitude (wahoo!) and the ship is chugging along nicely in the direction of Elephant Island. I'm thrilled at the idea of being in the spot where Shackleton's famous journey began. If all goes well, we should be arriving around 8pm this evening and in addition to being excited about bringing our science lectures to life, I'm also looking forward to being on solid, steady ground again. Like some others on the ship, I'm battling seasickness au naturel - just with shear mind-power and no medications - and have been successful at keeping my moderately lurching stomach at bay so far. Admittedly, I'm feeling a bit wibbly today and can't wait to plant my feet on land and not have to concentrate on keeping my balance. (I should mention, however, that we have been reminded time and time again that we are very lucky to have the calm waters of "Drake Lake" thus far and not those of the infamous "Drake Shake"!)

And while I sometimes feel so wiped out at the end of our fully packed days that I just want to go to bed after room checks, I'm glad that I push myself to stay up and chat with the other staff members and get to know my new friends better. Last night found us all celebrating the New Year together in the lounge. We had a fantastic party with the students (complete with songs, dances, Father Time, Baby New Year and all)! I tumbled into bed a little later than I had planned, but I fell asleep with a smile on my face knowing that I'd wake up in the morning and put my socks and boots on, ready to do it all over again.

4:22 pm