Reason #Million Why I Should Just Go Ahead And Be An Ascetic Already

The reason I haven't been around much is that, well, I haven't been around much. I haven't slept at my apartment for nearly a week now. I've been too wrapped up in dinners and drinks, new people and all things Slovak. As infatuated as I was with my new lifestyle (see: riding around in a nice car, fancy clothes and champagne on a regular basis), the horse-drawn coach had to turn back to a pumpkin at some point. And for me, that moment was tonight, just as I had stepped out of the shower, clean and excited to get ready for another night out. The phone rang, he said "Listen..." and that was that. Too bad there's no Prince searching the town for me, and instead just a giant idiot out drinking with his friends down the road.

At the very least, he sort of nipped it in the bud. I would have felt more like a fool if my make-up was already done.

Love is like a fire, but whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.
- Joan Crawford

And she couldn't be more correct. I've been weary of boys and relationships, nevermind love, for some time now, so I can't understand why it is that someone has decided that I still need lessons on why I should be bitter and cynical for all eternity, because really, I have enough of that stuff to last me a lifetime and a half. STOP BURNING DOWN MY HOUSE. PLEASE. I can only rebuild so many goddamn times. Remember Amichai and the architects? THEY'RE TIRED. GIVE THEM A BREAK.

Remember this happy moment from not even three weeks ago? I was just about to introduce Mr. GQ to you all too, but at this exact moment, I'm not sure if 'GQ' or 'Hugest Asshole on the Planet' is a more accurate description. Sure, he was/is a damn fine specimen to look at and always looked like he just walked off the cover of a magazine, and I never really got over that pocket square, but when someone springs it on you that he wants to stop seeing you because of "school" there's no way that I can think anything but "bullshit" and completely lose all respect for them. Alright, so I'll miss being treated like an absolute princess, but this'll teach me to fall for someone who's got a nice car (with leather interior and seat warmers!), loads of nice clothes and money. I had a suspicion he was shallow when I met him, but my skepticism was blinded by the complementary shirt/tie/pocket square combo. Plus, the blazer was nice too. And his jeans always fit him in the best way and god, the linen shirt from last night, not to mention the cologne... Anyway, I've had my bout of doors being opened, coats being taken, $200 dinners, and arm candy. I suppose it's time now to find someone more down to earth. The romantic in me will never get over it though... It's a shame too, that I loved his family and that they loved me back. I wonder how he'll explain it to them. Will they be proud of him for focussing on school more, or just lament the fact that he let go of someone so much better than him?

Gah, the bitter and cynical me is back already. She jumps in quick when my ego and esteem take a hit.

So I'll try to stop wondering why he bothered with the Christmas gift, the meeting the family and extended relatives, why he showed up to pick me up from work with a pack of Halls when I mentioned my throat hurt, and all the sweetness and treating me to everything (I cringe at the thought of how much he spent on me these past weeks - though, now knowing what an immature jerk he is, I can't really feel sorry for him). My bad for dating someone who was twenty-one and thinking that he could actually have the maturity and emotional capacity to match someone right for me (nevermind just someone my age) - kudos for at least trying to play the part well, but I guess the act was too tiring. I mean, he hardly even got to know me and he made a run for it; he hadn't even begun to chip away at my baggage and I can't imagine how awkward it would have been if we were to actually start having deep conversations about me and my checkered past.

It's alright. This shall henceforth be referred to as The Holiday Interlude. I met him just as exams were finishing and now it's over just as school is about to start. The timing is pretty much perfect, except for the fact that I'm not really in school next term and I've got loads of free time on my hands. Time to get back to living my life the way I used to.

What gets me though (other than how awfully upset I was) is how I didn't know, how I couldn't tell he/it would be like this, how I actually had the hope that maybe, just maybe, he could be more and deeper and perfect for me in addition to being his amazingly good-looking self. That we might actually amount to something. Much to my dismay, the evidence is getting stronger and stronger; maybe there isn't anyone perfect for me after all. Man, whoever dares to date me next sure has his work cut out for him. Good luck to you, bud, whoever you are. Personally, my advice to you is: Don't even bother. Spare yourself the frustration. After this little episode, the walls are going back up, and man, are they ever fortified.

Silver linings: I sure am glad my waxing appointment was scheduled for tomorrow and no earlier. I think the fates were working with me on that one. I cancelled that as soon as my voice was stable enough to speak to someone other than my girlfriends. I've also now had a meal at the most expensive restaurant in the region, for free. I hate thinking that this is something I'm leaving 'the relationship' with, but it's not like he taught me anything, other than: 1. Don't trust the good-looking ones, and 2. Sometimes, Arm Candy is just that, sweet, temporary, and probably bad for your teeth.
11:51 pm