Little Fish

The last two weeks have been very trying and mind racking. I've been busy figuring what to do with myself next year and it's proven to be no easy task. Struggling to find my academic identity on campus has been hard enough (I didn't even know I wanted one until this year) and now I'm in the middle of filling out an application to be a Residence Life Don next year. Yes, it's been busy.

One of the things that's been on my mind moreso than anything else has been whether or not to run for the Board of Directors of our Students' Union. I've never really been interested in politics, and after seeing what high school politics were like, I wasn't exactly jumping at the chance to run a campaign again. To my surprise, a few students approached me about running for a Director position and honestly, if they hadn't asked me, I wouldn't have seriously considered it. Alas, it's been two weeks since the thought first crossed my mind and I believe my final decision is that I'm not going to run after all.

It's so easy to type it down, but the process that I've gone through to actually be able to say no has been very difficult. My indecision and muddled thought processes have been at their worst and I've said yes and no to running at least 7 times in the last 24 hours. It hasn't been a good two weeks. It would be wonderful if I were on BoD representing the students, especially those who want to see me up there. I could start to make my mark at this place...what's holding me back then? I've given a million and one answers as to why I'm not going to run and people have been very supportive. But why does this hurt so much? I'm surprised at how much this decision has upset me. This is the first time that I've backed away from doing something big, and I'm no doubt disappointed with myself. I can't understand why I don't want to take on this challenge, despite all the seemingly 'good' reasons I've given for not doing it. I don't like politics and don't want to get involved...I can't handle the idea of selling myself to the student body...being a Don is a big enough committment...I don't run good campaigns...why do these feel like cop-out answers?

Back in high school I always felt so confident about being there and knowing all there was to know about the place. It was a little pond. I was a big fish. But here at Laurier, even though it's one of the smaller schools around, there's too much to know about, and I can't possibly do it all, and maybe what's even scarier is that maybe I don't want to do it all. Coming to grips with my limits as a person and student has not been fun. I've always been able to juggle a million and one activities, what has changed so that I can't anymore? How can others be so involved in extra-curricular activities and maintain high grades while I'm struggling so much? What's worse is that in addition to letting myself down, I feel like I'm letting down those who wanted me to run in the first place. Why am I not the go-getter I was? Why aren't I as inspired as the others? My confidence has taken a pounding.

I'm not even running in the election and already I feel so defeated.

7:32 pm

Thursday, January 15, 2004

Skipper

Normally at this time on a Thursday afternoon, I'd be pulling myself off a grungy, coffee-stained lecture hall chair and shoving past 200 other students to get the heck out of Macroeconomics class, because the last hour and a half has definitely either fried or bored my brain to near-death.

But today is different story.

I've actually been sitting right here for the last hour because Jess and I decided after 20 minutes in that class today, that we had had enough of his rambling and left. I don't skip class; well, until now. Perhaps it had a bit to do with the peer pressure I was facing, but I think it was more a mixture of "I didn't read the chapter or print off the notes, so I have absolutely no idea what is going on" that led me to hastily make my exit. At least I tried to do it noiselessly to lessen the rudeness level. Well, there goes $15 of my tuition down the drain. I figured it was better spent checking my e-mail instead.

4:12 pm

Wednesday, January 14, 2004

Still Alive, and Well-er

My lack of posting around here has been making me feel a bit guilty, but things have gotten so busy again. A poor excuse, but vaild nonetheless. School picks up faster than ever nowadays, what with only 3 months per per term, I suppose you have to do things now or not at all. It feels like I've been back for much longer than just 2 weeks, much much longer.

The term started off well, getting my grades after months of hard work and weeks of torturous suspense was very relieving. My GPA is higher than I expected, but just what I aimed for and it gives me even more incentive to keep up the good job that I've (apparently) been doing. It's nice to know that my efforts last term were worth it.

I made a big deal about other people stealing my seat in class last term, but I believe I have another pet peeve that drives me even further up the wall. People who talk during class. I can't stand them, I really can't. During 2 of my 3 classes today, I was unlucky enough to sit right in front of and right beside a pair of people who couldn't keep their yaps shut no matter how many times I cleared my throat or gave them looks. We're paying a lot of money per class here, and if you don't want to listen to the prof, please don't prevent me from doing so! Either be quiet or sit somewhere else! Yeesh.

I've gotten around to uploading pictures and posting them, though they may be very belated. It seems that the place I'm going to right now (Picturetrail.com) is ending my trial subscription soon, so I'll have to find another. I wish I had a counter of some sort to keep track of who's actually looking/reading/caring about my sidebar snipits...it does my heart good to know that they're being noticed.

12:03 am

Thursday, January 08, 2004

Myb Nobe Ib All Stuffeb Ub

I've been feeling under the weather lately, and the only explanation I can come up with is that I am allergic to school. Obviously. The day I started packing to come back here, I woke up with a sore throat. It got worse the day after, and when I actually moved back into residence, the sniffling started. After my first night, I woke up with a stuffy nose and the rest is congested, phlegmy history.

I've renounced my Dimetapp ways (beacuase really, it's nothing but sugar water) and am now hooked on Neo Citran. It's like tea, but better because it has the drugs to make you feel like you're getting well again. Unfortunately, I forgot to bring more Kleenex back to res with me and so I resorted to taking two rolls of toilet paper from the bathroom as a substitute. And boy howdy, residence toilet paper is no substitute for the soft, 2-ply, nasal comforter that is Kleenex. I don't know if my poor nose will ever forgive me.

It's a shame that the weather got colder when I moved back, because it's really not helping me to get over this bug. It started snowing again and the winds feel like they're going to rip your face off. I dared to walk across the street the other day and thought I was going to lose my ears. I really need a hat if I'm to survive the next few months. It's something a Canadian should never be without, but here I am.

7:42 pm

Sunday, January 04, 2004

Back to Basics

I feel like I'm 7 years old. "But I don't WANNA go back to school!!!" It's not like I was dragged kicking and screaming back to res, I like living here, I really do. I just do not want to start school and have all that work and stress piled on me all over again. And it really feels like I am starting afresh because this place is semestered. After 5 years in a full-year, non-semestered system, the idea of exams in December and new classes in January is completely foreign to me. It's all so intimidating, the knowledge that I need to start making new friends all over again. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to get to know more people (especially since most of the girls on my floor just went out to smoke weed, which isn't really my kind of thing), but I can't help but admit that I'm really just lazy and sometimes I want to be anti-social. I know that this will be healthy for me, meeting and hanging out with 3-D lifeforms, I guess I'll just miss the friends I made in my old classes and will definitely miss seeing them around so often.

I feel like I'm 4 years old, standing in front of the doorway that leads into the Kindegarten classroom with my father, desperately wishing for some sudden disaster to shake the very foundation upon which our feet stand all so that I won't have to go to school. Well, here it is. New month, new year, and a new term full of new classes, professors, people and opportunites. Oh yes, the new opportunities. Here's to a good one.

9:37 pm