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Friday, December 31, 2004
Don't Be Sorry, Be Better
2004 has been a tough year for me. It started off with school related stresses, which turned into personal problems, which dissolved with a nice month-long vacation in the middle of summer, which then turned into a hellish autumn and then the year came to a close like...I thought the world was going to end. It seemed that a lot of people close to me were going through a crappy time this season as well, and in addition to dealing with break ups of my own, I had a handful of other friends working through their own relationship troubles and personal issues. Mad season it was. Overall, I know that I learned a lot in 2004. There were a lot of fresh things, new experiences, pros and cons - well, mostly cons. I am not pleased with the way that 2004 turned out, because it was supposed to be great and though there were some really great times, for a lot of it, I was kind of sad. I thought it was supposed to be the year that I finally grew up, became an adult and started to "live" my life (seeing that I turned 20 and all), but in retrospect, I acted more like a child than ever. I made terrible decisions which hurt people, the worst of it being that my intentions seemed pure, which is why when everything blew up, I felt a gazillion times worse. I felt pain and sadness like never before. Basically, I made bad choices and then suffered the repercussions. But to my pleasant surprise, from the sorrow grew understanding, acceptance, and a quiet faith. I reconnected with old friends because they heard themselves in me, because they wanted to help, to support, to hug and to listen. I learned to give faith a fighting chance and to hold out for hope. I learned about devotion at the same time that I learned to let go. I prayed, not because I fear God, not because I think He can make everything better, but because late at night, it's just nice to have someone to talk to before bed. A different me was emerging, new and improved, shinier. So here I am, trying to figure myself out and re-evaluate things. I've been writing a lot, and I've realized a lot of truths about myself. I am still learning about faith and forgiveness, am still learning how to do things for myself when others haven't, learning how to accept who I am, how to recognize what needs to be changed and then actually changing things, learning to tell the difference between what I can and can't do, what I want to and don't want to do. I'm drawing lines, asking questions, seeking answers, listening to myself. I'm learning how to love myself. All these things, bad and good, will stay with me whether or not 2004 ends. And the one thing I'm clinging onto is that at the very, very least, I have the desire to become a better person. So while I never wanted to mess things up nor did I intend for 2004 to turn out this way, it did, and it was really crappy at many times. But, to tell you the truth, I am not sorry for it. I want next year to be better, but I am not sorry. I am stronger for having gotten through everything and I do like myself a bit more. Where I am right now is a heck of a lot better than where I was a month ago, so I think things are looking up. And seeing as the lessons that I learned from my numerous mistakes this year are finally clicking, I think 2005 might actually be good. Fingers crossed. Here's to new beginnings. Cheers. 5:02 pm Saturday, December 25, 2004
A Little Note From Shirley's Heart
It took me a while, but I think I finally realized that Christmas isn't about the big dinner or presents. My family did have both of those last night, and in rather copious amounts, but as tender and juicy as the turkey was and as expensive and pretty as the gifts were, they didn't make it feel more like Christmas. The warm fuzzy feelings came at many different times during the night; when we all sat around to talk, laugh, howl in delight, hug and snap silly photos. Family means a lot to me and I'm grateful for big occasions like this becuase it gives everyone you love another reason to gather 'round and have a good time. This Christmas, I hope that everyone is well, merry and enjoying their little break from the headache that is life sometimes. I hope that you can find the time to hug someone really tight and say "I love you", even if it is just once. Show someone that you care, call and pamper for no reason, make someone smile. Do something goofy. Laugh out loud, pretend you're a kid again. Take the time to relax, be close to people, and reconnect. Remember what people mean to you and show them that. As soon as you know you love them, they should too. Pause for a moment, reflect and feel ooey-gooey inside. In moments of joy, stop and feel it all the way down into the core of your bones. Make the time to take care of yourself and be good. Be well. 3:40 pm Wednesday, December 22, 2004
'Tis The Season For Me To Get The Heck Away From School!
Joy: what I will have once I get this nasty exam done and go home for the holidays! Fairness has little to do with Christmas. It's the season of love and giving and a lot of other warm, fuzzy feelings. Regardless, I still think that it's soooo not fair that the university is making me stay on campus until 11am on the 23rd day of the 12th month to write a final exam on Classical Mythology. Did they think that no one would notice if they stuck the nerdy Classics students at the end of the exam schedule? Well, they were wrong because the Registrar's Office has gotten some of us Classics nerds pretty darn upset! This is totally NOT the time of year for me to be memorizing the order of the plays in the Oresteia. I've almost given up on studying...all I want is to be at home, shopping, wrapping presents, lounging around my house in PJs by our fake gas fireplace and listening to Christmas music (which I haven't really been doing at all because I need silence to study)! Erg. Some people used to tell me that I was/am a big whiner. And I used to be offended because I didn't think that I whined an awful lot. I don't care anymore. WHIIIIIINNE. I want to go home! 7:59 pm Thursday, December 16, 2004
Starving For Some Festivity
Little Boy and Mall Santa last year. In a desperate attempt to cross some things off my To Do list, I went Chirstmas binge shopping today. In 3 hours, I managed to cross 5 people off my To Buy For list and spend about $250. My full-time student and part-time office assistant status is not liking the looks of this year's spending patterns at all. At all. In other somewhat related news, I've had the most unbelieveable desire to get really dressed up and go to some festive holiday gathering. Will someone host a Christmas party/dinner/anything please? And then invite me? Please? I'll even make nanaimo bars. That, and this morning while spreading soy butter on my lightly toasted english muffins, I really really wanted to hold a baby. 5:53 pm Tuesday, December 14, 2004
Dashboard Confessional
What used to be in Jackson's truck. Alright, the whiny, complain-y bitching stops here. At least I hope so. Time for me to inject some fun back into this place. Besides, Life isn't that bad, and when it is, it eventually gets better. A friend warned me though, at some points, I'll think it's really bad, and then things gets worse and when I think it can't get any worse, it does. And then things may get better, but then they get worse again. Better eventually comes back. And then, after a while, better will stay. For now, things are iffy, mainly because I have a financial accounting exam in 1.5 hours that I'm totally Not ready for. In addition to my school possibly changing the requirements for the business diploma I'm working towards, I've realized that I don't need accounting. Wait. More than that. I don't WANT TO do accounting. Though I shiver at the thought of my GPA taking a hit, I'll just have to deal with it. Illness has indeed taken over my immune system so the ingestion of Neo Citran starts tonight. Hopefully I won't be too sluggish to study for more exams and start my Christmas shopping. 10 days left and nothing's been bought/made yet! 4:53 pm Thursday, December 09, 2004
Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself
Autumn, season of change. I'm doing things to make myself sick. Talking to people I shouldn't be talking to, looking for people I shouldn't be looking for, running into people I shouldn't be running into. Thinking about things I have no time for. Doing things that only make me feel worse. Wanting things that everyone tells me I shouldn't want. Not eating. Not eating properly. And when I finally do get food in me, it makes me feel ill. Not sleeping, some sleeping, getting sleeping pills to solve the problem, but then not using them. Instead, why not just not sleep for a number of days (or sleep really badly for a number more) and eventually collapse from sheer exhaustion? It works. The good thing is, I'm losing inches 'round my tummy like never before, and I barely have to work for it. The bad things are, I'm breaking out and this can't possibly be healthy for me. The lack of nutritious food and rest, plus obscene amounts of stress from my increasingly fucked up life equals one malnutritioned, cold, stressed out, shivery me who's bound to get herself really sick one of these days and fail her exams in the meantime. At least then I'll end up some place where other people can take care of me and I'll do nothing all day except read and think and write and figure out my increasingly fucked up life. I'm not a big fan of change. I'm not. At least, not the kind I don't have control over. That's the worst kind of change and I think I've realized that I hate it. I'm the kind of gal that likes to know what's going on, have some sort of influence in important matters and all that. I'd like to think that my life is a fairly important matter and seeing as everything is getting way out of whack and I can't do a damned thing about it, it scares me. The waterworks are starting to die down, probably because I'm as dry as a desert inside and since I don't like Gatorade, I'm not hydrated enough to keep those tears flowing. Despite the Sadness, self-loathing, guilt, blame, loneliness and Loss that are still present in me (you know, those feelings that make your head woozy, your heart hurt, your chest tight and your stomach upset), I am slowly feeling a bit better...except for those terrible moments when something catches me off guard and I lose focus and fall into a pit of melancholy for the rest of the day. Those days just suck. There have been a lot of them and I have a feeling there will be many more to come. * By the by, I'm not doing too well with making sure my e-mail is back up and running, so if you've sent me something and I don't reply for a while, you might want to send it again. Sorries. |
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