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Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Let Me Just Say This Through all of my ranting and angry depressive moments, you have been there. And though it's been AGES and even I can't believe I'm still having bad days, you're still here. Thanks for toughing it out and continuing to read - congrats on making it this far without gagging or poking your eyes out. Sometimes it's funny because I get the impression that you like this sap-ass crap that I write about still being sad about my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend and my situation in general, about having to be at the same school and in the same class and in the same country as them. I get more emails about my sad posts than I do about my happy, nothing-to-do-with-him posts. This does not mean that there will be more posts of that variety from now on, but I like the fact that you like it when I write sappy junk. I'm fine though (really!). I've got my good and bad moments and I just happen to highlight the bad moments more so than the good ones. Besides, the bad stuff makes for more interesting blog fodder. Today was a good day. I wore my lighter jacket even though it got way colder, but that's about as bad as it got. See what I mean? Bor-ing. Anyhoo, I appreciate you folks more than you know. Thanks for the emails - you make my heart smile. My darling Annia found this for me and I am infinitely happier for having read it: Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. -R.W. Emerson Amen. 6:48 pm Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Can Someone Just Shoot Me Now, Please? Today has been both very good and very bad. It started off well: a long shower, clean hair, warmer weather, a lighter jacket, and a neuroticly matching outfit (shirt to scarf, hat to belt, jacket to shoes). I was productive: had office hours, did laundry, made lunch, paid bills, wrote lovely emails, went to class, understood stats and did the daily Jumble. And then, wham bam, he walks into class and look! It's Insta-Depression! (Rather than me going into stupidly obsessive details here - trust me, you don't want to hear it - let's all just point and laugh at me now, shall we? One, two, three, go. *point* Hahahahaha! Good. Very good.) I am in a bad mood. Mopey bad. Depressed bad. Sad. Bad. As a result, I am no longer having a good day and am no longer productive. I waited for a hug from the roomie, but she didn't show up, I can't do my readings, my dinner spilled in my bag and when I cleaned up and started eating, I poked a piece of pepper and it squirted sauce all over my face. Life, ladies and gents, is GREAT. I read something today that seemed poignant: Am I Crazy to want this, even for a while? Yes. Yes, I am. I am now going to indulge in something unnecessarily fattening. (Going to leave the country, going to leave the country, going to leave the country, going to leave. The country.) 6:03 pm Thursday, November 24, 2005
Yipeee! Look at me!! I'm happeeeee!!! Whee. Alright. Y'all know that I'm much more dramatic in writing than I am in real life, right? Because if you didn't already, I think it's about time that you start. I'm such a sap-ass on here and offline, I'm not that bad. I'm normal and I have friends that I can have fun with and I don't cry myself to sleep every night because I'm not in love. The mere thought of it makes me roll my eyes. Proof? Alright, here ya go, photos of ME SMILING (didn't think it was possible, did ya? Did ya didya didja didJA?) from recently and beyond - note the SMILING and lack of tears and no general melancholiness to be found! w00t. *Those that can't take large doses of me all at one time, you might want to avert your eyes.                         You see? YOU SEE? There, are you happy now? Happy?? I know I am. (DAMN, that was a good excuse for some narcissism.) 10:56 pm Monday, November 21, 2005
Me Lately Every now and then I get this feeling that I want to write something here, and though I lack the time or the inspiration or both, I constantly think about wanting to say something but not being able to find a way to say it. A friend once told me that if you're constantly thinking about doing something, you'd better go ahead and do it, otherwise the thought is just going to sit around in your head and fester. And no one wants that. I'm currently trying to do some readings for a major research paper that I have to write, but about an hour ago I really wanted some ice cream. So I went to get some. Then after the ice cream I felt like I should tell you a little something about me lately. And so I am. But you know how they say that satisfaction is increased when you don't get what you want right away, but only after you work and wait for it, and how the anticipation is so great that you hope it never ends? Yeah, I don't know if I believe that so much anymore. Me lately has been listening to Konstantine by Something Corporate on repeat because it has that beautiful soul-enveloping and haunting quality to it, kind of like a broken heart that just won't heal and eventually there's comfort to be found in the pain. It's that kind of beautiful where you listen to the song and feel it filling your being so wholly that when it stops playing, you need to recover from the sudden lack of it. Music so rich that it fills you like a million festive dinners and you can't really appreciate silence anymore. Me lately realized that I've spent the last seven years of my life learning how to fall in love with someone, but never once did I learn how to fall out of love. Sometimes I wonder if I ever will. Admittedly, there is something capital R Romantic about spending the rest of your life alone and making art dedicated to Regret, and every now and then I get a glimpse of what that life could be like for me, but I don't know if I really want it or not. Me lately has fallen out of touch with this whole 'blogging thing' and this feels weird because just about one year ago, I wrote tearful posts about heartbreak and long letters to strangers around the world about how absolutely messed up my life had become. The peace I was looking for was never really found and I'm hoping that I'll stumble upon it sometime soon. I've lost touch with the online community and sometimes feel unwelcome in it. Then again, I've felt this kind of unwelcome on campus too and I wonder why it is that things turned out this way. And then I remember that it gives me one hell of a good excuse to leave the country next year. Though I may say I never want to see any of this again, I'm sure I'll miss it eventually. Me lately has been rejecting relationships with boys and romance in general. I don't want anything to do with either and the thought of being in love with anyone right now can make me nauseous. I don't want the sap. I don't want you touching me or hugging me or telling me how wonderful I am. I don't want the flirting or the giddiness that comes with finding someone really neat because it's clear. I'm not your star. You have to understand that no matter how much he hurts me, until I fall out of love with him, no one stands a chance. Please don't think that this is easy. Me lately has enjoyed being alone. I think that if this is what it takes to reconcile me with my mistakes, I can do it. I can imagine my life on a movie screen and no one can laugh at me for it. I can be mopey without having to complain to anyone about it. I can revel in my own happiness. I can do this on my own and like it. 12:54 am Friday, November 18, 2005
HP4 I just want to say that about an hour ago, I walked out of the movie theater, having just seen Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. *insert ear to ear grin here* I was also fully dressed up as Cho Chang. And still am, as a matter of fact. Pictures and stuff to come! 3:33 am Wednesday, November 16, 2005
i never learned to swim Now with 100% more crankiness! I'm busy as all hell and stressed to the max. Trying to think of something to fill this space with is totally not at the top of my priority list, but now I feel bad for having neglected the good ol' bloggy blog. Back later. With more. Or something. 8:30 pm Saturday, November 05, 2005
I. Am. Cho. Chang. Alrighty peoples. There's an unhappy blogger right here, right now. I've tried not to whine about this, but there's only so much that I can take. Okay, so about the new Harry Potter movie (that comes out in less than two weeks!!). Oh you can bet your horsies that I'm excited - and by 'excited' I mean I freaking cream my jeans every time I see the trailer - talk about getting goosebumps. Anyhoo, I'm excited. Except for one thing: The girl they chose to play Cho Chang. She's the Ravenclaw that Harry has a crush on yada yada yada. Has anyone seen her? Hrm. I am not happy. Dude, in case you couldn't tell - what, with all my Harry Potter fanaticism, love for acting, and incredible desire to make out with Daniel Radcliffe - I WANTED TO PLAY HER!! In that costumed photo below, that was Halloween two years ago, when I actually dressed up as Cho Chang. Not Harry, not Hermione, but CHO. No one knew who I was. Remember? TWO YEARS AGO and I was already hell bent on being her. Okay fine, so this Katie girl may be cute and all, but do you see what I mean when I say I COULD'VE BEEN HER?!?!!   Oh hell, I AM CHO CHANG! Hel-LO, I'm Asian AND I can act. I can even do a nice British accent. I just don't have the agents to find me audition times, that's all. For the record, the roomie thinks I'm crazy. I've been yelling about this for a while now and all she can say is that I'm weird and crazy. This is not some sort of community play that you could have been casted for!! she says. No, it's not. But still. I wanted to be her. *whine* When I see that movie she'd better be a good actress - if she is, then FINE - otherwise, I'm going to get even whinier. And nobody wants that. |
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