How's It Gonna Be?

Way back in September when I first started school, I discovered, much to my surprise, that I hated business and wanted to drop out of it right away. It came as a shock because, although I've heard that most peole end up switiching their major, I've never heard of anyone doing it the first month of school. My prof (Jim, who refers to himself in third person) exuded this unbelievable capitalistic bastard aura and I was surrounded by people who did 'good' things just so they could put it on their resume. Everything was so...selfish, and profit seeking and I was surrounded by 2000 mini-corporate sharks, each of whom thought that they were the best corporate shark, in a sparkly new building. But a few weeks later, I was finally able to stay awake in biz class, found Jimmy somewhat entertaining and discovered that not all biz-kids are bad, so I decided to stick it out until at least the end of first year.

Two days ago the thought of switching out of business and into a general Arts degree came back into my head. Business isn't that bad really, although the stock market is driving me crazy and my biz midterm was the worst midterm out of them all, but I can't shake the feeling that if I didn't leave, I'd be condemning myself to four more months of thinking, "What if...?". I'm trying really hard not to do the practical thing. Doing the practical thing was what landed me in a BBA program in the first place. But if I don't do the practical thing, what will I do? Major in Classics? Global Studies? Political Science? Arts? I don't even want to think about how my family will react.

Of course, all my biz friends are saying that I'm an excellent business student and that I should stay in the program, my old friends are telling me to do what I feel is right. I know that I should be listening to myself here, but it's hard when even I don't know the answer. Going into arts would be a huge leap of faith, an even bigger one than moving away to Waterloo on my own. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to jump yet.

1:53 pm

Tuesday, November 18, 2003

Finals In T Minus 2 Weeks

I feel like I'm living in Britain with the amount of rain we get here. Everything is so muddy that I have put my khakis at the bottom of my pant pile. People in residence and the bookstore have already started to decorate for Christmas and it feels extremely premature, especially since there is no snow on the ground. Even so, I couldn't resist from putting up some icicles and my mini-Christmas tree. It's not as pretty as Brittany's, what with her mini-ornaments and mini-bows and mini-garland and all, but I like the simpicity of mine. Some gold stars and a homemade snowman ornament from a friend makes feel homey enough for now.

For the first time ever, I can't think of anything that I want for Christmas. Really. I could say that I want the digicam that I never got last year, but it all seems so...greedy. I mean, I already have all the things that I need in life (get ready for the gush): a loving family, a loving boyfriend, and loving friends. What more could I ask for?

I wish the school would give relationship leaves in addition to sick leaves and maternity leaves. I mean, when you think about it, being in love is very much like being sick. You can't concentrate, get heat flashes, mumble nonsense to yourself, and want to spend the whole day in bed. I can't think of similarities between being in love and being pregnant, but either way, it'd be nice to be able to take a few months off and work it all out of your system.

9:16 pm

Sunday, November 16, 2003

It's A Bit Sad Over Here

At IRC Formal I discovered that my tongue has grown a serious aversion to the taste of alcohol. I drank some anyway (I had some white wine because it was swank and matched my outfit), but it was really yucky. Nothing but sweet sweet coolers from now on.

I don't want to do anything today. Anything. I definitely do not want to write this report that I have to present to my group in two hours. I want so sit here. Or lie down over there. But that's it.

The weather is crappy again.
I wish this melancholy would go away.

Update: He called, so nevermind.

12:52 pm

Wednesday, November 12, 2003

I Think I'm Going To Pass Out From This Stress

It's been a really shitty day. And I usually don't say things like that. I thought I was caught up, I thought that everything was going to be okay for November, but it seems that all my work was either done in vain, or isn't enough yet.

Today seemed like one big literary device. Pathetic fallacy all over the place, I felt like crap and the sky was all grey and rainy. It always rains in this town.

If I make a To Do list, I'll cry just by looking at it.
I don't think I'll be able to sleep until next Friday night.
Finding time to shower and wash my hair is becoming difficult again.
I said "fucked over" tonight because that's seriously how I felt.
If you're my friend, I'm warning you now, don't expect to see my friendly side for a while.
In fact, don't expect to see any side of me for a while.
I'll be in my room in case you need me.
But seriously, don't come a knockin' unless you want me to knock you out.

I know that ultimately, things (and I) will be okay in the end. It just seems that the road to being okay is such a long and arduous one that I really don't want to travel it. I'm tired and my feet hurt.

7:52 pm

Tuesday, November 11, 2003

And I Thought I Was Caught Up

1. My ethnicity is a novelty here.

2. I will always keep on top of my reading for my Love & Its Myths class. Because if I don't, not only will the ending be spoiled for me during the lecture, but the prof will ultimately find out. Today, I put my hand up to answer a question based on the first chapter so I figured I was safe. But apparently, the answer I gave was the lie of the protagonist and the truth is later revealed. I didn't know what the truth was. "Ah, you didn't get that far yet, eh?" He had caught me. Oh, the shame, the shame.

3. I hate automatic flushing toilets. I was in the New Academic Building bathroom, peeing as I normally do, when my body decides that it is indeed finished and it is time to get up. I hear a squeak/squawk type sound and the toilet water rumbles away from underneath me sucking all my nerves down the drain with it. I nearly had a heart attack in the stall. That was the loudest, most sudden self-flusher I've ever seen. Usually those things at least wait until you get up from the seat before it does anything, but the slightest budge on this Pelican Plumbing machine will cause it to go berserk on your waste expelling ass. The weirdest part was the bird noise. It was really freaky. I thought an eagle was busting out of the wall behind me or something.

6:02 pm

Monday, November 10, 2003

Last Night

Scene: 8:50pm, Jason and I are walking across campus towards the recital hall to watch the Jazz Ensemble concert.

Me: Perfect timing! We still have 10 minutes left so we can get a good seat. Aren't you so excited?!
Him: Yeah. If it sucks, can we leave?
Me: Jason!
Him: What?
Me: *sigh* Fine. If it sucks, we can leave.
Him: Good.

We make our way up to the box office door. Only to find that the entire place is dark, deserted and locked up. Ooo-kay. So, what's wrong with this scene? There is obviously no concert playing. We checked the schedule of performances posted and found out that the jazz concert was indeed supposed to play that day. At 3pm. We won't even get into whose fault it was.

So we strolled over to the convenience store, bought a tub of vanilla ice cream and went back to his place for some dessert. The apple pie had gotten a bit mushy after sitting out for a few days, but it was still good.

12:16 pm

Sunday, November 09, 2003

I'm Procrastinating [Read: This Post Has Nothing Interesting In It]

All weekend long, I've read one chapter of business. Granted, it was a long chapter, but failing to do any calculus, economics, and classics reading is really making me fall behind. I need to start catching up on catching up.

I cleaned my room for the first time ever yesterday afternoon. Swiffering has never felt so good. I found 4 dead ladybugs. I made my own humidifier too; it's just a glass jar filled with water sitting on top pf my heater, but it does its job well. Residence seems to have sucked all the moisture out of my body. I always wake up feeling like I slept on the worst mattress in the world in the middle of the desert.

I made Jason watch Dirty Dancing last night. Much to my dismay, he hated it. Maybe Pretty Woman will win him over. We finished two packs of movie-theater-flavoured popcorn, the kind that makes your pee smell funny afterwards. Despite the bitterly cold wind, we walked over to the Raintree Cafe after the movie where we had lukewarm, and therefore only slightly yummy, chai lattes and the best focaccia bread ever. I still can't put my finger on the kind of cheese they used in the dip, but I will never go back to the hard, herby, dip-less, tomato focaccia I was used to.

I'm not even halfway through my first year at university and already I've started thinking about the things I want to do next year. If I plan to stay in the Business program, I'll apply for co-op. As well, I'm planning to apply to be a don, and a Laurier Ambassador. Doing tours on Friday during Laurier Day really affirmed my need to be a know-it-all.

The bones in my right hand still ache from writing my Love & Its Myths midterm last Thursday.
Off to a jazz concert tonight.

6:22 pm

Thursday, November 06, 2003

Property of Shirley

I feel like such a child sometimes. I could swear that I still have the mind of a 7 year old. Recently, I've noticed that I'm getting possessive over "my seat" in all my classes. This wouldn't be such a contentious issue if those darned people would just sit in their own spot and leave my chair alone! You see, the thing is, if I've been sitting in the front row 5 chairs from the left since the first week of school, then shouldn't that seat rightly be named "mine"? Apparently not to the girl who stole it this morning! Stupid skinny Chinese girl messed everything up. I sit in the 5th chair, Kun sits in the 4th one and Kornel sits beside him in the 3rd one. But we had to shift everything over today and because there was already some boy in the 2nd chair, one of us didn't have a seat! Kornel obviously felt shafted because he was a bit late and thought that we didn't save him a seat. He was joking, but I hope that girl heard him so she could realize the trouble she caused in our little world!

So that was economics, but it's happening in calc class too! Just last day, Jill and I had to sit in the third row because these two girls all of the sudden decided to get to class early and sit in the front row. Pshht! Excuuuuse me! *insert snap and head wiggle here* Exaclty who do you think you are? We're the class geeks, not you. Now if you would kindly remove your second row asses from our chairs, that would be greatly appreciated. Thanks. Tee hee.

I already had to deal with this in business during the third week of school, I didn't think I'd have to do it again for other classes. Oy vey people. Keep your butts to your own chairs please!

8:56 pm

Monday, November 03, 2003

How Time Flies

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear blo-og,
Happy birthday to you.

One year ago, at 5:20pm, I made my first blog post. I had an orange and pinky-purple template from Blogger, with the cheesy name of "The Dreamery" (which, at the time, I thought was pretty clever). No links, no pictures, no personal flair, no character. I'd like to think I've come a long way since then. I like my design now, and though I got a lot of help with it, I still consider it my own. I've managed to learn html enough to link and change colours and sizes and post pictures (you get the idea) and tweak things to my liking.

Why make your life public? Am I really that interesting that I feel the need to share it? Who knows? Perhaps it's simply a fad that will fade...perhaps by sharing I will discover something...learn.

I wrote that a year ago. I still haven't answered the questions, and I'm not sure if I will any time soon. I had no need at the time to keep in touch with anyone, no desire to vent about things that I couldn't say to people's faces, no opinions that I wanted to share. I still don't know anything about blogging, but I do it anyway. Just because I want to. I'm no closer to finding out who I am now than I was a year ago (though I must say, I have learned a lot along the way), so I've still got work to do. And thus I think that I'm here to stay for another little while, whether you like it or not, so you'll just have to put up with me.

5:20 pm